


In His Eyes

by PlayerOneMell



Series: Two Grown Ass Gay Men Crying [3]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst City, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, BE MORE ANGST, Blood, Cutting, Gay, Gen, Hospitals, Insecurities, M/M, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Nightmares/hallucinations, Post: SQUIP, Self Harm, Stress, Suicidal Thoughts, Surgery, Swearing, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, after college, after high school, boyf riends - Freeform, seriously, there couldn’t be more angst, this is angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-04-10
Packaged: 2019-03-27 20:27:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 39,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13888524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlayerOneMell/pseuds/PlayerOneMell
Summary: For all the talk of life being a two player game, there was one attack they couldn’t handle. Every time their emotions got the better of them, every time they argue, they don’t do anything but hurt each other. Sometimes the world just seemed to want to tear them apart but Jeremy wouldn’t let that happen. He searches the house for Michael, but he isn't anywhere. Then Jeremy stands outside the bathroom door and remembers the last time this had happened. The last time Michael had run away from him and he had to knock on the bathroom door.orMichael come home from work pissed and shit goes down.





	1. A Storm Brews

It is the dark of night when Michael walks into his home which he shares with his favorite person. Michael is pissed and he storms into the bedroom where Jeremy is listening to some music. Michael flops on the bed letting out an intense “ugh”

Jeremy pulls out one of his earbuds. “What’s wrong, amore?” He asks, slightly worriedly. He looks down at him and can't help but smile. 

“Work is a pain in the ass, not in the good way.” Michael groans. “I'm in a fuckin mood, I just wanna punch a hole in the fuckin wall.”

“What happened? Did someone give you shit for the headphones again?” Jeremy asks. Seriously, you had to almost surgically remove them from Michael’s neck if you wanted them off him, and even then he was in a pouty mood for that time.

“No...just two fuckin high school kids come in all excited. It was sooo shitty. You'd never believe what the two little shits bought. And! I didn't get my fuckin promotion!” Michael complains going to smash his knuckles into the bedroom wall.

Jeremy leaps up from the bed and grabs his boyfriend’s arm. “I’m sorry. But there’s no need to punch any walls.” He says. He hears the song in his earbud change to a song that he knows would make him feel better. He swings Michael around and kisses him, slyly sliding the other earbud into Michael’s ear. 

“Jeremy, this isn’t going to fuckin help. This is beyond what music can help.” Michael shrugs off Jeremy walking into the kitchen leaving Jeremy behind. 

Jeremy sighs. He knew that the best idea was to leave Michael alone, but Michael in pain is more than he could bear. He follows Michael and grabs his hand, singing along with the song. “Still enough time to figure out, how to chase your blues away-”

Michael stands straight up. Michael remembers the last time he heard that song...and how much he wanted to run from that song forever. He opens to the doors to the fridge with trembling hands and grabs a ginger ale. He goes into the liquor cabinet. “Jeremy, seriously” Michael tries to speak feeling his breath pick up. “Music isn’t going to help.” 

“Music always helps.” Jeremy pulls him away from the alcohol- pissed off Michael is bad, pissed off drunk Michael is even worse. “I wanna dance with somebody who loves me-” 

“Jeremiah! I said fuckin stop! Who the hell do you think you fuckin are?” Michael grumbles trying to shake Jeremy off. He wants Jeremy to help, but work really fucked him up. The song isn’t helping, it turns his anger into panic which makes him more angry. “YOU HEAR ME JEREMY?” Michael walks into the living room grabbing the Jameson. 

Jeremy is left standing there, trying not to cry. Whitney Houston’s voice blasts in his ears, but under it is another voice. An all too familiar voice, that filters through the barrier Jeremy had built around it. Sure, it was deactivated, but now his insecurities had a voice. Michael hates you. The SQUIP whispers. You’re just a loser, you don’t deserve his love. 

Michael notices Jeremy doesn’t follow him and sighs little in relief. He thinks back to the situation he saw at work...two boys rushing in to get Mountain Dew, one looking like he was holding a wintergreen tic tac. Michael didn’t want to sell them the Mountain Dew, losing his promotion...Michael didn’t want anyone to get hurt. “I’VE SEEN YOU’VE LEARNED YOUR LESSON YOU TWINK!” Michael pops the Jameson open combining it with his ginger ale. Michael doesn’t like being rude to Jeremy, but today has been brutal to Michael.

Michael’s words hurt more than the fake SQUIP’s. Jeremy feels like he can’t move. He can’t face Michael. To get to the bedroom, he’d have to pass him in the kitchen. So Jeremy grabs a coat from the hook by the door and walks outside, the door slamming behind him. He goes to pull on the coat, thinking it’s his cardigan, but realizes he grabbed Michael’s hoodie. 

Michael drops the bottle immediately, grabbing Jeremy’s cardigan. rushing out to find Jeremy outside. “Jer!” Michael calls out grabbing him by the wrist turning him around. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. I just...it’s been a rough day. It’s not your fuckin fault…” Michael runs his hands through his own hair...and then realizes how pale Jeremy looks. “Jer? Are you okay?” Michael tries to release the anger from his voice but still manages to sound pissed. 

Jeremy pulls his hand out of Michael’s. “Do I look fucking okay? I was only trying to help. But you’re too caught up in yourself to think of that.” He lashes out. A split second passes until he realizes what he said. “Michael, I didn’t mean that.” 

“Fuck Jer...I’m sorry.” Michael hides his shaking hands...those two teenage boys flash across his mind again. Michael winces thinking of the hell they’ll go through. “I just...fuck…” Michael wraps his arms around his chest and into the insides of the cardigan he’s wearing, which falls short on him because he’s taller than Jeremy. “I...I...I’m sorry.” Michael says almost feeling his heart break looking at his broken down Jeremy. Michael feels his ribs begin to shake and does his best hide his panic. 

Jeremy shakes his head. “Don’t be sorry, it’s my fault. I pushed you and-” He feels a tear run down his cheek and he wipes it away with the sleeve. “I acted without knowing how you felt.” 

Michael feels his throat run dry. The events of his day rushing through his head. His headphones are broken, the boys with the pill and the Mountain Dew, no promotion, and now he’s hurt Jeremy. Michael turns away from Jeremy trying to hide the crystal orbs that fog his glasses. “I didn’t...I didn’t think about you either Jeremy. You’re my world...you’re...you’re my everything...I am so sorry.” Michael says in between breaths hiding the tears in his voice. Michael continues to hide his panic, but wishes he could look at Jeremy...but he won’t. 

“You’re the person I can’t live without. I don’t care about myself. I just want to make sure that you’re fine. I couldn’t handle it if you’re upset.” Tears are flowing now. “I just wanna dance with somebody who loves me. And I hope that person is you, Michael.” His voice chokes on his name.

Michael’s heart shatters...he has to be okay for his boy, but he’s not okay. He hides his face in his hands wiping away his tears. “Jeremy...I can’t...that song.” Michael feels his veins fill with fire. This can’t be happening right now. He has to be there for his Jeremy. “Play...er...two.” Michael starts to lose the breath control. Michael doesn’t want to leave Jeremy...but he can't take the pressure. Michael sprints into the house locking himself in the bathroom as his hyperventilation takes over. 

Jeremy races after him. “I’m sorry-” The door slams in his face. Through blurry eyes, he fumbles for the knob. By the time he opens it, Michael is gone. For all the talk of life being a two player game, there was one attack they couldn’t handle. Every time their emotions got the better of them, every time they argue, they don’t do anything but hurt each other. Sometimes the world just seemed to want to tear them apart but Jeremy wouldn’t let that happen. He searches the house for Michael, but he isn't anywhere. Then Jeremy stands outside the bathroom door and remembers the last time this had happened. The last time Michael had run away from him and he had to knock on the bathroom door.


	2. Inside The Bathroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tw: There will be blood, cause Michael's gonna cut 
> 
> YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Michael tries to keep his sobs quiet. His sobs ripping through his throat that come right from his heart. His thoughts race quicker...and more coming from the past. Boys with Mountain Dew, him and Jeremy with Mountain Dew, just what happened outside, the broken headphones. Jeremy screaming in pain after losing his SQUIP. _Loser_. Michael chokes. No promotion, his mother’s ill and he’s a state away, he hurt Jeremy, the Mountain Dew..two fresh victims. _Loser_. It’s in Jeremy’s voice. _Loser_. Michael can’t breathe. He sees the dark surround his vision. He wants to cry out to Jeremy, but he knows his sobs are loud enough. _Loser_.

Jeremy pounds on the door, calling Michael’s name. “Michael please, you need to stay strong. Just let me in, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to let you know that I love you. I love you so much it hurts. You’re my player one, you saved my life in so many different ways.” Jeremy says through the door. “I can’t live without you. You’re the person I want to be with every day.”

Michael stands up, trying to be strong for Jeremy, but feels his body go limp and immediately falls over. He keeps telling himself to keep his eyes open. He yanks Jeremy’s cardigan off feeling his body start to overheat. “Jer...Jeremy.” Michael whines through his tears hoping Jeremy can hear him. “There’s-” It was hard to talk, he can’t breathe. “Key...top of doorway...please.” Michael begs. His chest keeps getting tighter feeling like a hot ball of lead. _Loser_. His mind reminds him. Michael yanks his headphones off, their broken...almost as much him. “Please...Please Jer.” Michael can’t even finish Jeremy’s name as more sobs rip through him. He feels his stomach bind. His eyelids getting heavier by the minute. His anxiety ravaging through him. Michael feels like he’s dying. It hurts to try to breathe..his lungs keep letting out air. His heart feels punctured. He sobs continue to get louder, torturing his throat.

Jeremy frantically grabs the key and unlocks the door, almost dropping the key in his haste. He sees Michael on the floor and rushes over and drops to his knees. “Michael, what do you need? I’ll do anything, anything you need.” He says, his words tripping over themselves in his panic.

Michael can't speak. He doesn’t know what to do. He hates when Jeremy sees him like this, but being around him makes him feel warm. Michael continues to let his tears fall. His hands are too shaky, but he needs Jeremy to do something. Letting Jeremy touch might be too much. _Loser_. Michael decides it’s what he needs. Michael attempts to sit up but his torso is limp and he hits his head on the floor making the throbbing louder. Michael let’s out a cry so loud you could hear it in Mexico. Michael does all he can. He moves his hands and lifts them up hoping Jeremy will hold them. Hoping Jeremy will help him keep his eyes open. Hoping Jeremy could get the room to stop spinning. Michael’s eyelids begin to flutter, he is going to be unconscious soon if Jeremy can't help.

Jeremy pulls him close to his chest. “Take deep breaths love. In, out. Just focus on me.” He said, feeling Michael’s heart beat so loudly and quickly that he’s worried to hug him too tight in fear of breaking him. His heart hurts with Michael’s pain.

Michael tries so hard. “I’m...Jer...I..S-s-s-sorry.” Michael stutters out letting his eyelids flutter some more. He feels so weak. His flutters turn into blinks. “So...so...sorry.” He repeats. Michael can’t take the pressure or the look in Jeremy’s eyes. He tries to squeeze Jeremy’s hand...but it was just too much. Michael closes his eyes, passing out.

Jeremy feels him go limp. “No, no, no, no, no, please Michael, talk to me.” He pulls him even closer. His sobs echo around the room. Jeremy stands, lifting Michael and draping his arm around his shoulder, carrying him to the bedroom. Jeremy settles Michael into the bed. “Michael, please wake up.” He says in a tear-choked voice. He leans forward and kisses his forehead, feeling the burning skin on his lips.

Michael, passed out, stands in his thoughts. Every time he’s ever been hurt flashes through his mind. He wants to wake up as he feels his insides turn to steel. Only Jeremy can fix this. Michael just doesn’t know how to wake up. He feels like his insides are exploding and gasps opening his eyes. He needs to tell Jeremy what’s wrong, but doesn’t know where to start. “Sorry.” Is all Michael can stutter out seeing Jeremy over his pained body. Michael winces trying to move with his mind still racing. The tears stain his face. Michael realizes he’s in the bedroom and his panic increases. “How...long...was...I...out..for?” He says in between breaths. “Sorry.” He repeats feeling so bad for making Jeremy panic.

Jeremy sighs with relief at Michael’s voice. “You were only out for about five minutes.” He smooths Michael’s hair away from his forehead. Jeremy winces at the heat of Michael’s skin. “Do you need anything?”

Michael doesn’t know where to start and tries to sit up. “Jeremy…” starts to fall. Next thing Michael knows he’s on the ground. “Sorry!” He says as he whimpers in pain. How does he make it stop? “Jeremy..I think...I don’t think I can...I AM SO SORRY!” He screams louder than he means to. His limbs seem to lock not allowing him to move.

“Michael, talk to me.” Jeremy says. “It isn’t your fault.” He lifts Michael back into bed. “Don’t move, okay? Shh.” Jeremy tries to calm him down.

Michael sighs. “It is..I lashed out, which caused you to lash out, and the next thing I know I’m panicking! And Jer…” Michael doesn’t let this sob escape him. “I...everything’s just ruined. My headphones are broken...they’re broken. They don’t work! Speaking of work...two boys came in today. Reminded me of us..but...they were looking for Mountain Dew. One boy held a wintergreen tic tac with circuits in it...and I didn’t get my fuckin promotion because I just didn’t wanna sell them the soda and...and it reminded me of home. And my mom’s sick Jer...real bad. My brother is there taking care of here and I’m stuck here panicking...Jer...I’m sorry.” Michael rambles out as quick as he can. Michael knows he can’t move...but he doesn’t want Jeremy to leave him either. “Can you please get me my drink? Maybe not my alcoholic one because I know you hate it when I’m anxious and drunk. Just..maybe water or something?...Please, Player two?” Michael feels terrible putting Jeremy through all of this. Michael’s leg muscles both spasm quickly. “Please Jer? Before I...I might lose it again.” Michael says worried looking at the ocean blue eyes.

Jeremy freezes when he mentions the pill. Jeremy nods. He didn’t want to leave Michael alone. “You did the right thing. I know you have a lot going on but just stay calm, alright? I love you.” Jeremy gets up and goes to the kitchen, filling a glass of water for Michael. He returns to the room, his hearing peaked. He can’t let his boyfriend be in pain.

Michael manages to get his breathing a bit more normal. “I'm so sorry Jer.” Michael wipes he tears and his glasses keeping them clear. “I know we agreed to play Apocalypse Of the Damned Volume 2 Friday...but...no that's so fuckin selfish...eh...I gotta say it. Jer, can I buy new headphones?” Michael asks trying to focus on the easier problem to fix. “And I'm sorry about the anger. Just..those boys reminded me so much of us at their age. I thought about just swallowing the fuckin pill so they couldn't have it...I'm sorry it's crazy I know...I just remember how much it hurt to...to...you called me a loser Jer. You you you..” Michael wheezes. “I'm sorry. That time has passed you're here...you're here...Jeremy..” Michael feels his vision blur again. He feels his brain cloud. “Jer, I need alcohol.” Michael admits.

“I don’t think that's a good idea. Michael, you’re sick. You need rest and medicine.” Jeremy hates denying Michael of anything, but it just isn't healthy. “And there’s no problem with you getting new headphones. Volume 2 can wait. Besides, we haven’t even finished one yet.”

Michael coughs violently. “Jeremy, my head is spinning. Please, just make it stop.” Michael whines softer than he has been. He still feels his panic coursing through his system. There's no way he's going to be sleeping unless he gets drunk.. “Jeremy, please.” Michael begs. Michael doesn't really care if it's alcohol, but needs Jeremy to do something. Anything.

Jeremy nods. “I need you to close your eyes, okay?” When he obeys, Jeremy stands and goes to a small locked cabinet in the bathroom. He unlocks it and pulls out his sleeping pills that he had gotten after every psychiatrist visit. After Michael had eventually tried to swallow them all at once, he had to lock them up. He slides back into the room.

“Jeremy?” Michael somehow fidgets enough to sit up. He curls into a ball with his eyes back open. Michael is too anxious to close his eyes. “What if...what if...those boys get bad like we did? Like…..if one gets really hurt and do what I did.” Michael then realizes he never came clean about what happened to him...what he did to himself. “I mean..nothing. I never did anything to myself.” Michael says rocking himself back and forth in shock this is how he will tell Jeremy what he did.

Jeremy stops dead in his tracks, looking at Michael. “Michael? What do you mean?” In the pocket of Michael’s hoodie were the pills. “What did you do?”

Michael starts crying again, feeling like a fool believing he was out of tears. “Well..I'm sorry I can't look at you when I say this. It'll break my heart.” Michael says tucking his head into his knees, continuing his rocking and crying. “I uh...I was at home burning some of our old things. I'd given up..you wouldn't listen to me. Clear this stuff out and maybe then die myself...I dunno know..anyhow at first I couldn't figure out what to burn so...I used myself as a test run. I burned myself. The marks are still there...you just can't see them...and no I wasn't wearing pants.” Michael admits. Michael feels Jeremy's stare on his legs. “It's um...why I never wear shorts anymore.” Michael admits ashamed. Michael pulls up his pants revealing the burns on his shins and calf. “I'm sorry Jer...I thought you didn't want me anymore...you were a puppet...I couldn't help you. And I'm nothing without you.” Michael says feeling Jeremy's eyes on his legs.

Jeremy sits next to Michael on the bed and lifts his face so his chocolate eyes meet his. “I’m so sorry, I was caught up in my stupid dreams of popularity and being more chill than I was originally. I was so selfish, and my selfishness caused you so much pain. I thought it was just emotional but this was what I was afraid of. That… maybe I was the one that pushed you over the edge.”

Michael freezes. His stomach tugs on him. He has said too much. He feels so sick he can't  
handle it anymore. His stomach tugs harder causing the slushee once in stomach to revert upwards and into his esophagus. Michael coughs really hard and runs out of the room and...well that slushee didn't stay where it belonged. He does make it to the bathroom and let everything come out of his mouth. How could he do this to Jeremy? He's not sure he can confess the rest. “Jeremy…” He shakes more now. “That's not all I did..and this isn't your doing.” He shakes sitting on the floor. “That was...just my right leg.” Michael says. Michael rolls up the left pants leg to reveal scars along with burns. “I...cut...into the burns...luckily your dad didn't see...but…” Michael starts coughing again. “I'm so sorry. I swear you didn't push me.” Michael lies. Michael falls back to the floor noticing Jeremy staring at the scars and the burns. “Jeremy...I also wrote words in those scars...Creep, loner, loser...shit like that….I'm sorry.”

Jeremy shakes his head. “I should say I’m sorry, not you. You may not think that it was my fault but I know it was. I left you alone, and I made you feel like an awful person. And you are not a creep, or a loner, or a loser, no matter what I said when I had the SQUIP. You’re Michael Mell, my beautiful boyfriend. You’re amazing, and you don’t need to be sorry.” Jeremy takes a deep breath. “Can you promise to do something for me?”

Michael starts hacking his lungs out and his aching heart longing to get drunk..or just to have a hug from Jeremy. He hates the pity. Michael aches. “Jeremy, I said it when we were young and I'll say it now.” Michael takes a deep breath. “Anything for you.” Michael says attempting to stand up. He does, but leans on the wall.

“I need you to say that you’ll tell me whenever you feel overwhelmed. I need you to tell me when I say something wrong or you need to unburden.” Jeremy sighs. “That aside, you need to sleep. And… I know this is probably an awful idea but I need you to take these.” He pulls out the pills.

Michael tenses. He can immediately feel whatever left in his stomach push up again and let's that out of his mouth. “Jeremy, I promise...and I'm sorry. I came in all pissed and I should've been calmer with you….but I don't think I can take those...I gotta do this my way. Which you might not be a fan of but...I can't swallow pills Jer. I will go into shock, I'll throw up...and you gotta make the same promise to me, got it?” Michael says shakily walking down the hall to open the closet. This closet contained something much better than alcohol. “You know what Jer? You probably don't want me high either. Just give me the pills. I've got enough anxiety all ready, if I go into shock you'll be there...right? Jeremy, just before I do...you gotta promise me everything I promised you. I know at times I can put you through hell, and I don't mean to. Just promise me?” Michael steps away from his weed closet. “Please Jeremy, earlier you said you don't care about yourself. If you died tomorrow, I'd go with you. Just sometimes I feel-” Michael feels more tears rush as he continues. “I feel worthless...and you get the same way. Just...Jeremy if you did anything I do- DID! Anything I did...I'd break into a thousand pieces. You'd still be flawless. Make the promise I made to you, and more. Promises you won't do the things I dooo...did. Cause I will dance with you.” Michael says grabbing the pills from Jeremy's hand. “Because I love you. Now promise, and help me get over the shock I'm gonna feel after swallowing these.”

Jeremy nods, his mouth dry. “I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’ll always be Heere.” He laughs at his own pun, then mutters. “Hopefully you will be too, someday. And you know what? I don’t care that you put me through hell, because just being with you is heaven. And only one pill, Michael. Two at the most. And do it in bed, I don’t want you collapsing, okay?” Jeremy says. He knows this is awful for Michael, but he needs to sleep. This is pretty much the only way. He feels his face go completely red, like it does when he is nervous. He doesn't want Michael getting any more hurt than he already is.

Michael looks down at the pills remembering the last time he held them in his hand. His right shoulder contracts remembering Michael cut it that day too. Michael looks back to Jeremy. Could he really do this? His body will reject the pills, and he knows it. He shivers still looking at Jeremy, both of them silent. “Jeremy, I don't think I can handle this.” Michael says remembering the pain in his shoulder. Sometimes recalling memories can do that to Michael, make him feel the pain all over again. “I'm sorry, I just don't think I can handle it.”

Jeremy sighs. “Michael, I know it’s hard. But it’s either this and sleep or stay awake and in pain. And I can’t let you stay in pain. You need to sleep this off.” He takes a deep breath. “I know what you’re feeling, pills suck. But we don’t have anything else and I am not letting you drink or get high. So please, just this once.” Jeremy gives Michael puppy dog eyes. He knows it always works when Michael does it to him, he hopes it works the other way around.

Michael slides his back down the wall sitting down and feeling Jeremy sit next to him. He looks at the pills and just places them on top of the sink. “It won't matter if I throw up Jer…” Michaels body gives off shivers, but he's still sweating. “Last time...I...I tried to kill myself Jeremy. Sometimes I wish I had...I still do think about it. I love you Jeremy...I do. Just something about dying...it makes my insides fill with fear but powers me to do things…” Michael admits shaking. He knows touching Jeremy is bad idea for probably the both of them, but he just can't take it. Michael slides closer to Jeremy. He doesn't touch him because Michael realizes that he's sweating. He doesn't want Jeremy to get all sweaty and gross so he shivers away. Coldness trills down Michael's spine. “Just...wish I offed myself instead...wish I was never born.” Michael mumbles hoping Jeremy can't hear him. Scooting away from him with every word. The distance seems louder than the silence..but Michael wanting to die seems to scream throughout the entire house.

Jeremy’s heart twinges. Hearing Michael talk like this physically hurts him. “I know you’re damaged. Dying isn’t worth it. There’s other ways to get energy. And if you had offed yourself, I wouldn’t just be alone… I would’ve followed you.” He keeps the distance. “Because if you leave your boyfriend behind…” Jeremy looks at Michael sadly. “I know it’s a fucked up world, but life’s a two player game and we can navigate this hell. But only if you let me in.”

“I..” Michael slides further away feeling like he doesn't deserve Jeremy. Michael is now against the wall of the bathroom and Jeremy's at the door. “Jeremy..I can't do this anymore. There's so much pain...it fucking hurts, Player two. I don't want to hurt anymore. I COULD HAVE SAVED THOSE TEENAGE BOYS! I SHOULD’VE SWALLOWED THAT FUCKIN SQUIP BECAUSE WE KNOW HOW TO DEACTIVATE IT!” Michael's breath picks up again. “I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO END UP LIKE ME! A FUCKIN LONER, JUST A STONER, WITH A DUMB STUPID ASS CAR, AND **GOD I’M SUCH A LOSER!** ” Michael cries harder this time. Somehow Michael stands still shaking. He has to run...and so he does...back to his fuckin alcohol he left in the living room and grabbing a joint on the way. “EVERYTHING ABOUT ME MAKES ME WANNA DIE!” Michael sobs on the couch letting Jeremy hear his pain. “I SHOULD HAVE SWALLOWED THE FUCKIN SQUIP!” Michael shivers noticing his glass is broken. The glass on the ground. “Such a loser.” Michael mumbles knowing what he can do. So he steps on the broken glass allowing it to seep into his feet through his pink weed socks.

Jeremy comes after him. “Michael, listen to me. I need you to listen.” He sits next to Michael. “Everything about you is so beautiful. I love you and I’m so sorry.” He pulls the joint away and presses his lips against Michael’s. Then he braces himself and shoves the pill down Michael’s throat.

Michael swallows it reluctantly but feels his stomach tense. His feet still in the broken glass. He takes Jeremy's hand. “I...love you too.” Michael says shaking. Fire starts dancing across his chest, and Michael feels warmer. Without thinking he grabs a piece of glass. His memory too vivid of what he always does. He takes the glass in his left hand and wraps it around his right shoulder where there's a scar. He rolls open the t-shirt and opens the scar a bit. He drops the glass. “Oh fuck...Jer I didn’t even mean to do that. It was a reflex I told you I shouldn't….” Michael stops feeling his stomach twist. His stomach pushes upward again, but he catches it in his mouth forcing himself to swallow. “I'm such a fucking idiot.” Michael feels the blood running down his arm. “Sorry.” Michael cries. Michael goes to touch Jeremy but his body snaps and he curls back into a ball on reflex. “Jeremy...Jeremy...help me. Please.” Michael begs. “I know I don't deserve you but please.” He starts pleading. He pulls his knees tighter and keeps head down. The cut on his shoulder stung and the blood just keeps running, making Michael feel woozy; it runs over the pacman tattoo that matches Jeremy's.

Jeremy kneels next to him, not caring about the glass under his legs. He puts his hands on Michael’s shoulder. “Shh, just calm down. You’ll be fine. I’m always here. You’re going to be okay.” He pulls him tight to him, not letting go until he feels Michael relax, thinking the pill kicked in. He pulls away and takes the pill bottle out of the pocket to put it back, but he realizes that the seal is still on it and it wasn’t opened. He stops and looks back at Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry ~ bananneliese
> 
> I told you I'd update whenever I wanted. And fair warning, it only gets worse from heere. ~ PlayerOneMell
> 
> Also, there's hidden musical references. Later. Not now. ~ PlayerTwoHeere


	3. Not A Sleeping Pill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A SQUIP *body rolls* A SQUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The SQUIP talks in italicized text

Michael keeps his eyes open, only feeling weak to his blood. “Hey Jer, could you get bandages or something?” Michael says feeling oddly calm. Michael is calm, but not sleepy...he is chill. “JEREMY THAT WASN’T A FUCKIN SLEEPING PILL!” Michael shoots up from his position. “JEREMY DID THAT COME FROM POCKET? BY THE WAY, YOU LOOK CUTE IN THE SWEATSHIRT BUT JEREMY I THINK...JEREMY DO YOU HAVE MOUNTAIN FUCKIN DEW?” Michael shouts going into the fridge.

Jeremy starts to panic. “Oh my god, I didn’t look at it before I-” He grabs Michael’s arm. “You can’t seriously be thinking of activating it, Michael! After all that happened, you want to fucking bring it back? Just leave it be, it’ll be gone sooner or later.” Jeremy is pleading now. If he hates seeing him in physical pain, then seeing him with a SQUIP would be literal hell.

“We have red. It's in the basement. If not I'll never be allowed to drink Mountain Dew again! Jer, we got to get the fuckin thing out. Jeremy, just hold me down like Jake did to you. Make me drink. I know it'll hurt...but we have to deactivate it as soon as we activate it.” Michael places the green Mountain Dew on the counter. “I'll get the red.” Michael says panicked. He presses a kiss against Jeremy's lips and runs to get the Mountain Dew red. He runs back upstairs. He places the red next to the green. “Jeremy...I know this is gonna hurt you. I've been there. Just...no matter how much I fight you, you have to make me drink that red, okay?” Michael grabs some tape. “You can't take it? Tape my mouth.” Michael says. “I know this gonna hurt you Jer.” He holds Jeremy by the waist. “But how much is it going to hurt me?”

Jeremy shakes his head. “You have no clue. The pain is terrible. It hurts like hell when it’s activating, like it’s burning you alive from the inside. I don’t want you to feel that.” He takes a deep breath. “But I know that it’s the only way to get rid of it. You have to promise to let me deactivate it. It will fight tooth and nail to stay, and even convince you that you need it.” Jeremy smiles up at Michael and goes on his toes to kiss his cheek. “I’m ready.”

“Okay...and I have to live with it for five minutes after full activation…” Michael says holding Jeremy tightly one last time afraid of what might happen. “I love you so much Player two...I'll be back in about five minutes.” Michael says grabbing the bottle and releasing the embrace. He swallows the green soda. “You're right...its minty.” Michael laughs and then he hears a computer voice. “Love you Jer.” He whispers as he collapses on the floor with the pain of thousands of guns, needles, and knives in him all at once. As if, someone poking him with electricity. As if, someone set off a nuclear bomb starting in his head. Tears stream out of Michael's blurry eyes as he screams from the pain. Five minutes have to pass after activation...but how long does it take to activate?

Jeremy grabs his shoulders. “It only takes about a minute to activate.” He says, mostly to himself. “You should be okay in thirty seconds.” He says. But Michael’s screams hurt him so much. The thing he is more worried about is what will happen after that. What if Michael’s SQUIP tells him that Jeremy isn't good enough for him? What if Michael completely changes? What if he doesn't let him deactivate it? What if… the SQUIP agrees with Michael and drives him even further over the edge?

 _Michael Mell._ Michael shoots straight up. Is this what Jeremy did? _You know what I am. About time you got one of me._ Michael looks around he can still see Jeremy, thank god. _Aw, looking at your problem. You don't deserve him. You're a loser._ Michael cringes. He looks at Jeremy. So fucking worried. _Don't curse...now let's get rid of that problem._ Jeremy disappears from sight. No, no, no, no, no. _Don't you dare call out for him._ Michael's mind starts racing as the SQUIP starts pointing out his flaws. Michael can't breathe again. _Go to the bathroom..I've opened the lock._ It has only been one minute. Michael obeys. He runs to the bathroom noticing the once locked cabinet, unlocked. _Don't cry._ “JEREMY!” Michael cries trying to disobey. _Vocal chords: deactivate._ Michael loses his speech, and he can't see Jeremy. _Should've done that awhile ago._ Michael listens to the SQUIP now. He has no choice. He takes the pills and scatters them across the sink as two more minutes pass. Only two more to go, but can he do it, right? _Move it you loner_. Michael somehow lets out a whimper. The SQUIP makes Michael engrave things into his arm. One single word rings out, _loser_. And now the blood from the letters stained his skin. He looks at the PAC man tattoo further down his arm. _Get a glass of water and swallow everything on that sink._ Michael gets a glass. _You think he's your boyfriend? He probably squipped you on purpose. You are a fool, Michael! He's lying to himself he can’t love a loser like you! You deserve to die. Everything about you is just terrible._ Michael's back in the bathroom with a glass. One minute until Jeremy can save him. _He won't save you...he wants you to die just as much as I do. Michael Mell, you are **worthless.**_ Michael swings the different sized pills in his hand. _Now swallow._

Jeremy starts to talk to Michael, trying to keep him from going too far under. “You okay, love? I'm so sorry it hurt-” Then Michael straightens and his eyes went blank. Jeremy grabs his arm. “Michael-” He runs away from him, not even paying attention to him. He goes into the bathroom and the door’s locked behind him. Every thing happened so fast. Jeremy hears his name being shouted from the bathroom. Jeremy realizes that he never locked the cabinet. The pills. Michael returns, blood dripping from his arm in a cascade, making Jeremy want to cry. He realizes that it's already too late, that Michael is beyond repair. Pain doesn't shut him down. But alcohol does. Jeremy grabs the bottle of Jameson from the counter where Michael left it and pours that into the glass instead of the water. He prays that it's diluted enough for the SQUIP to not notice. He knows that Michael always drinks before pills and hopes it kicks in fast enough. He races in after Michael, red Mountain Dew in hand, and slides in before the door shuts.

Michael notices the water doesn't look quite like water. He downs the whole glass as quick as possible and releases the pills. The SQUIP continuing to taunt him making him outline his tattoo with his nails making them bleed. Michael feels like he can talk...and prays that Jeremy is somewhere near him. _Don't you dare, loser._ Michael's arm twinges with the pain. “Jeremy! I don't know where you are but if you can hear me...do something.” The five minutes ended and the SQUIP makes Michael pick the pills up again. _You have to obey!_ “PLAYER TWO PLEASE!” Michael wails hearing his voice crack. _You really think you deserve him? You deserve nothing._ Michael's shaky hand is by his chin. If he opens it, it's game over. He starts humming words hoping Jeremy will know what to do...if Jeremy can hear him. _He WANTS You DEAD!!!_ The SQUIP screams. The shaking hand now touching Michael's lips. Michael feels shocks travel through his mouth. He bites his lip getting it to bleed as well.

Jeremy hears Michael but it has only been four minutes and thirty seconds. He has to wait and watch with horror at the pain Michael is inflicting on himself. Then the clock hand changed on his watch and he sprang into action. Just in time. Michael opens his mouth to take a breath and Jeremy is there. He has to force it down, standing on his toes, cursing the fact that Michael is taller (for once.) The entire bottle goes down. Jeremy sighs with relief. It only took two seconds to kick in, and the awful screaming started again.

Michael is full on bawling, but he can see his boy again. The SQUIP screams, but it quiets. The blood loss sinks into Michael. He is screaming and tries to stay quiet...he sees the worry in Jeremy's eyes. He manages to get words out. “Jer...I...sorry…” Michael feels so limp. “Bandage my cuts...cover them...clog bleeding...Jeremy...I love you.” Michael is crying again. “I love you...I love you...I love you.” Michael repeats. Then he lets his pain take over and falls back on the ground.

Jeremy catches him, making sure he doesn't hit his head. “I love you too, Mikey.” He says. The blood soaks the floor and Jeremy frantically searched for bandages. He finds them and wraps Michael's arm, as tightly as he can, then his shoulder as well. He's shaking so hard that he can barely dial the number. “Yes 911, my boyfriend tried committing suicide. He's losing blood really fast.”

Michael's eyes widen looking at Jeremy. Michael doesn't want medical help, he just wants Jeremy. He sits up, but lays back down looking at his bandages. Loser...PAC man...and the cut from swallowing a pill. The SQUIP is completely silent, and Michael's tears fall silently. “Jeremy...please come here.” Michael whispers extending his left hand, the arm without any cuts on it. “Jer...please.” Michael begs quietly being respective of the phone call he wish Jeremy didn't make.

Jeremy nods. “Yes, he's still conscious.” He holds Michael's hand. “Please get someone here quickly.” He hangs up the phone. “I know you don't like hospitals, but I can't just let you die. You're my Player One, I can't do that to you.” He smooths Michael's hair and fixes his glasses. “There'll be a hospital in five minutes. Can you hold on for me that long, Mikey?” Jeremy almost never calls him Mikey, only when he's really nervous and scared. The last time was when he was drugged in the hospital after the SQUIP incident for the massive fever and the treatment of all the pain it caused.

“Jeremy...I know I'm taller than you and all...but I need this.” Michael sits up curling himself into Jeremy's chest. He can hear Jeremy's heartbeat and immediately feels safer. “I can hold on.” He says gripping Jeremy's hand tighter. “I am so sorry...please don't leave me Jer...I'm sorry.” Michael lets out shakes and tremors. Michael's body was overheating still, but he's freezing.

Jeremy wraps his arms around Michael. “I won't ever leave you. I love you so much, Mikey. No matter what that fucking computer said. It's made to mess with your mind.” It's sort of weird to be the big spoon, but Jeremy doesn't mind at all. He rests his chin on Michael's head.

Michael feels himself getting weaker. His blood is soaking through his bandages. “I'm sorry you went through that alone.” Michael says gasping for air. “In high school? You...you went through all that alone? I wish I saved you quicker, or talked you out of it better than I did! Jeremy you lived with yours longer!” Michael shakes again. Michael feels more fragile as time goes on. “Jer...don't...let go...of me…” Michael wheezes. He hears sirens and he his panic becomes worse. He didn't mean for this to happen. “Jeremy...I'm scared. The doctors will ask questions and I didn't want to die!” Michael starts talking faster feeling his heartbeat increase. “I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared.” Michael can feel his skin burn. “Jer please, please, please. I'm scared.” He says faster.

Jeremy pulls him tighter. “I'm not going to let you. They should be here any minute. And I couldn't exactly say you were under the influence of an illegal drug because we'd both get arrested for sure. You'll be alright, Mikey. We're going to be just fine. You just need to breathe. In and out, okay?” He runs his hand through Michael's hair, determined to stay brave. Then sirens echo down the street. Jeremy looks at Michael. “Are you alright to stand?”

Michael can see the lights. “Jer, I can't do this. What if they put me in one of those mental hospitals? We can say I thought it was a mint or or or something.” Michael slides off Jeremy's lap feeling frozen. He keeps their fingers interlocked. “Fuck Jer...did you really have to do this?” Michael knows the answer. “I can't. I just can't Jeremy.” Michael shakes more violently. He hears people at the front door and winces. “I can't. I'm scared. Jeremy please don't make me do this.” Michael says crying.

Jeremy feels tears in his eyes. “I'm not a doctor. I can't fix you. And I would never let them take you away from me.” He presses a kiss to his head. “You'll be fine, I promise. I'll be there as much as I can.” The doorbell rings. Jeremy looks at Michael sadly. “I know you hate this. But it's the only sensible way to do this.” He helps Michael to his feet and looks around the house. “If only I had let you punch that wall.” He says sarcastically. That had seemed like ages ago.

He lets Jeremy help him to the door laughing. “I'm not ready for this Jeremy...they'll see the burns and-” Michael tries to take a deep breath. “Take my Cruiser...I'll meet you there.” Michael hands Jeremy the keys from his pocket. “Do not let them take me away from you.” Michael says giving Jeremy a kiss on the lips. He puts his hand on the door knob. “I love you so much Jer...so much it hurts…now, this isn't game over.” Michael says turning the knob letting paramedics swarm him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry friends, there's more to come! I hope you're enjoying it thus far! ~ PlayerOneMell
> 
> This does get better... eventually. ~PlayerTwoHeere
> 
> YA KNOW! Eventually...you read the tags...I hope. Angst with a happy ending, ya know???? JUST WAIT! THERES MORE! I'm an infomercial. ~ PlayerOneMell


	4. Medical Attention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of hospital drama here. Jeremy mentions why the pill cabinet is really locked.

Jeremy stays by his side. “Are you sure you don't want me in the ambulance with you? I could be with you the whole time.” He lets Michael lean on his arm, keeping him steady. The paramedics keep asking Michael questions and Michael's grip tightens on his arm. “Back off. Can't you see he's traumatized?” He says to the paramedics. They are at least doing their job and fixing the awful bandages, but do they have to be so overwhelming?

“Jer..take the Cruiser. I mean it...I can handle this.” Michael says letting go of Jeremy. Michael is taken to the ambulance alone. The questions all hush once he's inside.  
“What triggered this?”  
“He's gay! No wonder he wanted to die!”   
“What happened?”   
All three are said at once. Michael takes a deep breath staying strong for Jeremy. “I...at work I accidentally swallowed this pill, I thought it was a tic-tac. I activated it accidentally and it was a squip? Yeah, that's what it's called. Jeremy, my boyfriend, knew how to deactivate. The SQUIP forced these things upon me...and now I'm here.” Michael explains shakily. The sirens rang.   
“You'll be the hospital for a few days son.” One paramedic admits re-bandaging his arms.   
“Why?” Michael asks panicked.   
“SQUIP victims have to be monitored.” He adds.   
Michael feels cold. He can hear his heartbeat. The ambulance still rushing to the hospital. The pressure in his arms makes everything throb.   
“What an idiot. No wonder he's gay.” The driver comments.   
Michael keeps his eyes open staring at the ceiling. He's praying Jeremy isn't too far behind in his beloved car...still wearing the loved red sweatshirt.

Jeremy sits in the car, waiting for all the vehicles to clear out so he can leave. He lays his head on the steering wheel and groans. Everything went wrong. He has messed it all up. He looks down at the hoodie he still has on, soaked with blood and tears. It needs washing. A few minutes later, he pulls out of the driveway and heads towards the hospital. He hopes Michael is okay. When Jeremy gets to the hospital, he runs in. “Hello, do you happen to know if a man named Michael Mell was brought here?” He asks the receptionist. “He's my … friend.” The receptionist snaps her gum and nods.   
“He was admitted a few minutes ago. He was in a bad condition. And he's being prepped for a blood transfusion. You can't see him.”   
Jeremy sighs. He had figured as much. He pulls out his phone and starts a group message- Rich, Jake, Jenna, Chloe, Christine, and Brooke. Michael in hospital. Had a rough evening. He should be okay. He had some Mountain Dew before we left. He hopes they will get the message.

Michale is yelling at his doctors. “YOU HAVE TO LET HIM IN HERE!” Michael whines. “HE IS ALL I HAVE! HE IS MY BOYFRIEND. **LET** HIM IN HERE!” Michael cries.  
“We are gonna have to knock this kid out…” The doctor comments.   
“Please, his name is Jeremy Heere. I know he's out there please. Please let me see him.” Michael could feel his sweat intensify. How could he be so stupid? How could he do this? “PLEASE!” Michael cries in pain. A mask is placed over him and Michael fights it with all he can. He needs to see Jeremy. He remembers what happened to Jeremy after his SQUIP deactivated. Nightmares. Vivid nightmares. Michael keeps crying and eventually gives into the mask on his face. He's out like a light.

Jeremy waits in the hospital waiting room. He can't even bother to go home, the room emptying as the night goes on. It seems like the the night would never end. The group text starts blowing up a bit with questions. Even Christine, who Jeremy thought never really liked Michael, is frantic. Look, I know you're all in New Jersey, and Michael probably only wants to see me. I'll let you know when he's okay. He puts the phone down and wipes away his tears. Just then a doctor walks in.   
“Mr. Heere? Your boyfriend is still unconscious, but should be waking up soon. He was screaming for you before.”   
Jeremy blushes. Jeremy has always been shy with his sexuality.  
“Would you like to come into the room?”   
Jeremy nods terrified of what he might see. He walks into the room to see Michael, not in a hospital gown, but his own clothes. He kneels down touching Michael's hand noticing the tubes he's hooked up to.   
“You must understand how it can be coming off of a SQUIP. You were a victim in your junior year of high school.”   
Jeremy remembers it like it was yesterday, but he's 22 now, not sixteen. He can handle it. The problem is, he isn’t sure Michael can.  
“I'll give you time...but we do have certain hours for visiting Mr. Heere.”   
“Sir, I'm not visiting...I told Michael I'd stay, I'm staying.” Jeremy smiles as the doctor leaves the room. He takes Michael’s hand and sighs. What a rough night it's been.

Michael fidgets in his sleep still feeling the pain from needles. He feels a hand at his side. He recalls his time in the bathroom in junior year, and the time Jeremy's eyes iced over. He hears his heart cracking as he continues to see what happened in that bathroom back then, and then what happened tonight. He's scared to open his eyes. He feels awful. He cracks his eyes open to see Jeremy. “Sweetheart, is that really you?” Michael says with a smile. Much like the name Mikey, Michael will only use the name sweetheart in dire situations. When Michael's high, drunk, or in complete panic, he calls Jeremy, sweetheart. “It is you!” Michael feels overjoyed, but feels too much pain. He hisses at the pain. He moves his eyes around, he's hooked up to a lot. “I'm so sorry Jer. I was so scared. I still am...I'm so sorry about all of this...I'm so happy to see you here. I love you so so much sweetheart.” Michael’s still feeling panicky. “I don't think I'll ever be able to take pills ever again...but look I'm alive!” Michael says happily. There's silence. He grabs Jeremy's arm pulling him closer. “And I'm **so sorry.** ” Michael says with all seriousness. He knows he's scared Jeremy. He knows that was hell. He wants Jeremy to be okay. He wants himself to be okay...Michael wants to go home snuggle with Jeremy and play some video games. Michael wants Jeremy to be okay...Michael wants to protect Jeremy. Michael just doesn't know if he can protect himself right now.

Jeremy takes a shaky breath but smiles. “You scared me so much. Do you know how hard it was, those last thirty seconds? It was torture. I had to wait for the stupid time to pass and I was so worried I would be too late.” He lifts Michael’s hand to his lips and kisses it. “I’m just so happy you’re alive. What did it even say to you?” He slightly tightens his grip protectively.

“It told me you that you...that you did that to me on purpose. That I'm worthless. I don’t deserve you. That everything about me is just terrible.” Michael looks at Jeremy who tenses at the last phrase. “It said...you wanted me dead too.” Michael chokes.

Jeremy feels his grip tighten even further, but doesn’t even realize it until Michael winces. “You know it was lying, right? It just has a grudge against me.” Jeremy looks at Michael, who looks down. “Oh my god. You thought-” Jeremy shakes his head in disbelief. “Mikey, how many times have I told you that I love you? I swear, I would never lie to you. Ever. Unless it’s about eating your food.” He gives a small smile.

“Bullshit.” Michael reacts quickly. “I love you? Jer, didn't your mom say the same fucking things to you before she left! SHE LEFT YOU! Out in the cold with a pantsless father!” Michael’s anger and insecurities consume him. “How can I fuckin believe you if her blood runs in your dumbass veins?” Michael says in a cold voice. He looks at Jeremy's face, Michael fucked up. “Fuck..” Michael whispers. He hurt Jeremy, **again**. “I didn't mean to...I'm sorry.” Michael couldn't lie too well. He knows his mind has said that to him before, but Jeremy is hurt by his cold words.

  
Jeremy drops his hand. “You know that’s a sore subject. You know, Michael.” He noticeably drops the nickname. “She is not my mother. She doesn’t deserve to ever be called that.” Jeremy put his head in his hands. “You think I don’t know she left? You think I don’t care? I thought I had lost the pity of being motherless. At least from you.”

“No..Jeremy...I don't pity you.” Michael says wishing he could move. He didn't mean to just snap like that. His thoughts are still so overwhelming. He takes a deep breath. He has to fix this. “I'm so sorry.” Michael says sweetly to his boyfriend. “If anything, I raised you more than that woman did, and I should never compare you to her.” Michael is trying to so hard to keep it together for Jeremy. “Jeremy, I can let my mind get the best of me. I love you with all of my heart. If you didn't care...I would probably be dead on that bathroom floor.” Michael shakes a bit thinking about it. Jeremy looks broken, Michael really put him through the ringer. Michael knows he has to stop being selfish and do this for Jeremy. “I am so sorry. You deserve the world, not a boyfriend who snaps at you.” Michael realizes he's talking about himself again and stops. “She didn't deserve you. But I'm glad she gave you life….I'm glad you're sitting here. I'm pissed she did what she did. You deserved better, you deserve better.” Michael’s voice is shaking trying to fix his mistakes. “I'm sorry.” He says staying strong. Michael feels so fragile; fearful if he says the wrong thing Jeremy will leave him. Just then a haze comes over Michael and he can picture Jeremy leaving him. Walking out of the door screaming….in a blink Michael's back looking at his broken boy, hoping Jeremy didn't see what had just happened.

Jeremy sighs. He hurts more than he lets on. “I think we both need to calm down. I’m going to stay, I’m not leaving you, and I never will. If anything, I don’t deserve you. But you just need to take things easy. I know your emotions are fragile right now; God knows mine were, but you need to think. You can’t just throw your friends away.” He pulls out his phone. “Our friends are so worried about you. They’re blowing up my inbox with questions.” He holds the phone so Michael can see. “Rich and Jake are even threatening to fly out here to help take care of you.” Jeremy says.

The attention is just too much for the anxious caramel skinned boy. He knows Jeremy's hurting. Michael wants to go home. Michael gives a little twitch and another haze comes over him. Michael is taken back into the bathroom at his home, and is taken through the entire situation that just happened..except Jeremy's too late and he sees himself die. Jeremy doesn't shed a tear. He doesn't even care about Michael's dead body. Michael blinks and he's back in the hospital with tears in his eyes. “No, don't pretend things are better. I can see you're hurt. Talk to me Jeremy.” Michael almost begs Jeremy. “Text them saying I'm fine. Talk to me.” Michael says softly.

“Michael, are you alright?” Jeremy asks when Michael doesn’t respond. His eyes are shut tightly and he starts shaking. When he finally responds, he looks down. “I didn’t want to stress you out anymore. This is the only thing I can think of. But fine,” he does as Michael asks. “What do you want me to talk about?”

“What's bothering you? What's making you stressed? What can I do to make you feel better?” Michael asks signaling Jeremy to hold his hand, but Michael can't actually move in fear of feeling more pain than is currently necessary. “Just talk to me. I can see you're hurt.” Michael says. Another haze comes over him of Jeremy leaving him, but he quickly shakes it off this time.

Jeremy takes his hand. “I guess I’m just afraid that… that maybe what the SQUIP said to me was right. That I’m not actually wanted. I know you love me but what if we break up?” He brushes his thumb over Michael’s knuckles, almost unknowingly. “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. I want to spend my nights playing video games with you. I want to make you smile, laugh. I want to keep you safe. I want to never let you go. I want to stay with you forever.” By this time, Jeremy lost all filter. “I want to be able to say you’re more than my boyfriend. I want to get married to you, to grow old with you. I want to spend my entire life with you.” He realizes what he just said and turns bright red. Even his ears do. “I-I mean, only if you want.” He stammers for the first time in a while.

“Jeremy…” Michael’s at a loss for words. “Of course I want that. I want you to stay, forever. But Jer, the SQUIP lies...except for maybe when he said I was worthless.” Michael swallows. A haze coming over of Jeremy hurting Michael. Another of Jeremy leaving him, they become more vivid. Michael continues to stay strong. “But...there's something under that surface Jeremy. I love you more than anything in the world. You are everything I am and everything I ever will be. I'm not letting anything tear us apart.” Michael twitches. He squeezes Jeremy's hand lightly. “Tell me what's really making your heart ache. I will listen.” Michael breaths quietly wanting Jeremy to just let his emotions out.

“Alright.” Jeremy takes a deep breath. “You asked for this. First off, I know that you’re fighting off hallucinations. Don’t even try to pretend you aren’t. I know the symptoms, I know what they’re like. Don’t ever believe them for a second, because they’re just side effects and will never happen. They’re supposed to stop eventually. Hopefully they will for you. Maybe it’s because I had it for longer, but I still have nightmares about it all. I normally can get them to go away if you’re there, but when you aren’t… I don’t want you to be permanently fucked up like I am. I don’t want to see you hurting the way I do, thinking you aren’t good enough for me, seeing you almost do what I wanted to do both before, during and after the SQUIP.” A deep breath. Jeremy closes his eyes. “I didn’t just leave those pills locked up because of you, but because of me too. Because I’d go to take one to wish away the nightmares and all of the sudden there were ten in my hand. Because I’d look at my wrist and wonder what my veins look like. Because I’d be on a bridge and think of how easy it would be to get up on the railing and jump. Because the fucking voices in my head told me no one cared, that everything about me made me want to die. Then I’d get a text from you, asking to come over. Saying you felt sad. Reminding me to meet you for dinner because it was Chinese food night.” Jeremy opens his eyes, but doesn't dare look at Michael. “And even though I thought I wasn’t enough for you, I promised myself to be the best I could be for you.” He looks up at Michael, who is crying. “But all I’ve ever done is hurt you. I try to fix it, but I fuck it all up.” He gives a shaky smile. “And that’s the worst of it.”

“Jer, I didn't know.” Michael says trying to fight his mind. _Looking at your problem._ The voice echoes in his head. Michael twitches again, imagining a life without Jeremy. “You are fucking amazing and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world.” Michael fights his mind and tries to look at his boyf. He's paler than normal. “I'm so glad you've never done anything.” Michael feels electricity across his chest. He fights the images of life without Jeremy. He fights with all the strength he has, and chokes back the tears that he knows Jeremy doesn't want to see. “You know I'll always be here for you. I guess I haven't been my best for you...but Jeremy I'm not your problem.” _He's your problem._ Michael bites his lips refusing to let his pain win. “I will always be here. You are more than enough for me. You saved my life! You're my hero. My knight in shining armor! My prince! I will **always** be here for you.” Michael smiles as best he can for Jeremy.

“Does that make you a princess?” Jeremy makes a half-hearted joke. He sighs. “I’m just worried that I’m your problem. That maybe I’ll say something so stupid and mess it all up and I’ll push you over the edge instead of pulling you back. I’ve already put you in this mess.” He gestures at Michael’s arms and legs. “I can’t help but think this is all my fault. If I hadn’t taken that fucking pill we’d be fine right now. If I hadn’t been so selfish, we would be okay. I was a naive teenager, me and Christine didn’t work anyways.”

“You didn't do this to me, I did this, I shouldn't have. This isn't your fault, it's all mine because Jeremy, you are flawless.” Michael squeezes Jeremy's hand feeling another hallucination coming on. Michael fights this one off quickly. “You can never make me feel shitty about myself, or push me over the edge. Being around you gives me a reason to live! You have done nothing wrong.” Michael tries to reassure his boyfriend. “And even if you didn't take that SQUIP, you might've figured out I was your problem anyways.” _But now, he's your problem._ “You don't push me to that edge. I do that myself.” Michael admits twitching. “You will never push me to that edge.”

“Maybe I won’t, but that stupid pill will. It messes with your brain, even after it’s gone. It tells you lies, it feeds you information that it thinks you need to hear. It tells you what to do, but its more than that. It tells you how to feel.” Jeremy puts his head in his hands. “It tells you what problems you have, and how to fix them. And… since my SQUIP made me think you were a problem, it led to me not being able to see you. So if you couldn’t see me…” Jeremy pushed his hands back, running them through his hair. “It told you I was a problem, didn’t it.” He whispers.

Tears catch in Michael's throat. How could Jeremy possibly figure that out? “But you aren't.” Michael feels his skin heat up again. He wants to tell Jeremy about his pain with every vibration he feels in his spine. “You aren't my problem, I promise.” Michael says trying to stay calm knowing if he raises his voice it'll break Jeremy.

“Just answer the question. Did it tell you that I was your problem? Don’t forget that I went through this as well. I know what it’s like.” Jeremy says, trying to keep calm. “I know how it feels to have that… thing in your head. Was that why you tried to, you know,” He bit his lip. “Do...that..”

Quickly, Michael nods. “Partially. I've always wanted to deep down inside...and I couldn't see you and-” Michael feels the sweat dripping out of him like a volcanic river. “And I just wanted to end it there.” _Don't look at your problem. If you can't see it, it'll go away._ Michael gives into the haze. Michael feels himself begging Jeremy to celebrate the SQUIP with him behind the school by getting stoned in his basement. Michael feels himself in Jake's bathroom. Michael feels the heat from the fire as he escapes the house. Michael watches Jeremy hurt him over and over and over again. Static runs through Michael. He starts shaking. He starts crying. He sees Jeremy leaving him. He wakes up. “Jeremy!” Michael cries feeling his skin burn. “Yes, yes it said you're my problem.” Michael rambles. “I know you're not.” He wants you to die. Michael winces. He twitches. “You aren't my problem, you're a masterpiece.” Michael says through his now present sobs. The sweat taking over him. He feels a fire inside of himself. “I love you so, so much.” Michael is straining his voice. “You aren't my problem. You're never my problem. You never will be.” The heat grows. Michael feels so dizzy. He reaches for Jeremy's hand. “Never.”

Jeremy takes his hand, and a doctor runs in. His heart monitor is spiking so quickly that it set off an alarm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, our boys are a bit of a mess. I hope you're all enjoying it so far! ~ PlayerOneMell


	5. Daydream Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Did you kill Eminem?"
> 
> "Noooot exactly"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, take a deep breath. Everything's gonna be ok <3

“I need you to leave, Mr. Heere!” The doctor says, moving him out of the way.  
“I promised I wouldn’t leave him! Please let me stay, please.” Jeremy says, wanting to cry. “I’ll stay out of the way, just let me stay in the room.” The nurse starts to usher him out of the room while the doctor tries to calm Michael down. Tears start coming down now. “I need to stay with him, please.” He looks at the nurse’s name tag. “Haven’t you ever been in love, Karen?”

“Please, let him stay with me.” Michael’s heart moves faster. The heat is insane. “Please, he's all I have.” Michael starts sobbing. The heat burns around his heart.  
“I've never seen a kid have so many problems with a SQUIP deactivation.” The doctor admits.  
“BRING BACK MY BOYFRIEND YOU FUCKIN MORON!” Michael wails. He knows Jeremy can hear him outside of the room. The doctor fights Michael putting a mask back on him. Michael is bawling knowing if he loses consciousness, he will slip into some kind of night terror. The doctor places wet cloths all around Michael trying to get him to cool down. “Bring my twink back.” Michael complains sleepily. His skin burns, and Michael swears he can hear it simmering against the wet cloths. “He's my boy!” Michael shouts. He takes one more breath and suddenly everything goes numb...he's passed out for the third time that night.

Jeremy tries to get back in, but Karen holds him back. “Hold just there, young man. You both need to calm down, okay?” She smiles at Jeremy. “Let’s get you some coffee or something, then we’ll see about getting you back to him, okay? Visiting hours continue in just seven hours.” Jeremy shakes his head.  
“I promised, I have to go back in.”  
“Mr. Heere, visiting hours are over. We need to keep your boyfriend healthy. He needs treatment.”  
“HE NEEDS ME!” Jeremy says, crying. “I’m the only one here who actually knows what it’s like to have that thing in your head, and I’m not going to let my Michael go through that pain and loneliness I did.”

Michael hears the word echo in his head, every stupid label he's been stuck with. _He's your problem._ Michael whimpers. “Jeremy?” He whines, looking for Jeremy while he's stuck in this hell. “Jeremy, if you're out there...just...I miss you. I don't know how to wake up.” Michael says aware that this isn't real. _Get out of my way... **loser**._ He feels Jeremy push him. Michael starts crying. He can hear his heart monitor from the hospital room he's actually in. It's spiking real high. “God...I'm such a loser.” Michael whispers to himself. _Now you've got it._ Michael shivers. _You should've swallowed those pills, Michael._ “Everything about me makes me wanna die.” Michael watches the pain pass through him. _Keep going._ “I'm worthless. Life can't possibly be a two player game because I feel like I'm the only one playing it!” _Loner_. “This battle zone only hurts me!..wished I offed myself instead wish I was never born.” _Then you should've swallowed those pills._ Michael feels the SQUIP open his cuts that the doctors had recently closed. Where's Jeremy when he needs him?

Karen purses her lips. “Sweetie, I’m afraid I can’t allow it.” She says, a fake frown on her face. “It’s against policy.”  
“I don’t care about the fucking policy! I care about my boyfriend, who is obviously only asleep because of drugs, and not calm at all. You don’t know about the nightmares. They make you do things that are not normally done. The only thing that helps is someone being there with them. Which I didn’t get when I was recovering.” Jeremy’s entire face is red and blotchy. “Let me in, or I’m going to let myself in.”  
Karen blinks. “I’ll speak to my manager.”  
“You do that.” Jeremy says, sitting outside the door.

Michael runs through the darkness feeling his blood drip. He's had enough of this. “How do I get out?” Michael shouts wanting to wake up. _As long as you're under influence, you're all mine, Michael Mell._ “I feel the pressuring blowing up.” Michael is sobbing. “Jeremy? Where are you?” Michael whispers to himself. _I've expelled him from the situation._ “DID YOU KILL MY BOYFRIEND?” Michael shouts. _Nooot...exactly._ Michael feels his chest just explode. His heart strings are fire. He needs Jeremy. He needs Jeremy to save him.

Jeremy gets up and starts pacing the floor. Karen returns, phone in hand. “My manager says that you can enter-”  
Jeremy wheels around, excited. “-if you wear this mask. We can’t have you getting him sick. And remove that awful sweatshirt. You can’t bring it into the room. It is covered in blood and sweat and all sorts of bacteria.”  
Jeremy starts to protest, but he realizes the logic of that. He sadly takes it off. “Keep it safe, please.”

 _You deserve nothing._ Michael doesn't have anything without Jeremy. _Jeremy's gone. Expelled. Terminated._ Michael needs to wake up. He paces around in this dark nightmare and the surroundings cover in circuits. “Jeremy...where’s Jeremy?” _He's dead._ Michael stops breathing. He feels like he's drowning.

Jeremy is let into the room. Michael seems to be sleeping peacefully, but then he twitches violently. The doctor tries to get him to calm down, and looks up when Jeremy comes in. Before he can object, Karen whispers to him, and he nods. Jeremy’s eyes are fixed on Michael. His head whips back and forth, and he’s covered in sweat. Jeremy sits next to him and takes his hand. “Mikey, I’m right here. You’re going to be okay. It’s Jeremy.” He puts his hand on Michael’s forehead. “I know how bad it is, just pull through for me love.”

Michael feels something on his head. “Is this some kind of fuckin trick?” Michael calls out to the SQUIP. _That's real, you freak._ Michael whimpers. Michael feels his heart beat louder. He is soaked in his sweat. “JEREMY, PLEASE HELP!” Michael screams hoping that in the real world Jeremy will wake him up. _He's dead._ “JEREMIAH!” Michael screams at the top of his lungs. He feels a hand clamp over his mouth. _That'll teach you to shut up._ The SQUIP begins suffocating him.

Michael in the real world starts hyperventilating. Jeremy shakes his shoulder, trying to get him to wake up. The doctor rushes to his side and goes to turn the gas level even higher. “Are you insane? He needs to wake up! SQUIP dreams can kill you!” The doctor turns the dial all the way down instead, paying attention to Jeremy. The gas mask is removed from Michael, and he starts breathing normally again. Jeremy shakes his shoulder again, and Michael’s eyes open.

  
Michael sighs. “Jeremy.” He still sounds panicked. He notices Jeremy is wearing a mask and cringes. The nurse and the doctor are still in the room. “Jeremy...thank God. The SQUIP said he did something to you. He said he killed you. You're alive? This is real life? This is really you?” Michael questions talking at the speed of light. “Why are you wearing a mask?” Michael pauses. “WHERE THE FUCK IS MY SWEATSHIRT?”

“I’m fine, Mikey. See? I’m real.” He presses Michael’s hand to his cheek. “They wouldn’t let me in until I took it off and put this mask on. I decided it was worth it just to see you.” Jeremy looks to Karen. “Where is the sweatshirt?” He asks, trying to be kind. Karen fidgets.  
“It was taken to get cleaned.”  
“See, Mikey, it’s just getting cleaned. It’s fine.” Jeremy smiles at Michael. “Are you okay?”

  
Suddenly, Michael feels the world stop. What an intriguing question. Die, Michael. “I wanna get out of here.” Michael admits reminding Jeremy that Michael's mortified by hospitals. “Or at least...can I be left alone with him?” Michael asks keeping his eyes on Jeremy afraid that if he shifts his eyes, he won't be able to see Jeremy anymore.

The doctor nods. “I have other patients to tend to.” Karen bustles off after the doctor. Jeremy turns back to Michael.  
“I’m right here. I’m not disappearing any time soon.” Jeremy says. “You’ll be home in a few days, and I’m not leaving your side until then.” He smiles at Michael. “I’m not letting you out of my sight, okay?”

“Jer, I'm so scared I'll lose you. It said you wanted me dead. I believe it. Jeremy, I need to die, don't I?” Michael shakes trying to stay calm so he can have a moment alone with Jeremy. “Jeremy, I don't deserve you.” Michael takes a deep breath. He scoots down the bed getting closer to Jeremy. “You don't have to stay. I have to learn to live alone, eventually. You should go home and rest and change your clothes and eat. Clean up the mess I made with my horrible fucking mistakes.” Michael says, trying to be sensible. He wants to be selfless. He wants to be brave.

Jeremy pulls off the mask and leans closer. “Michael, I don’t want you dead. I never have, I never will.” He sighs. “This is what makes me worried to leave you. I don’t want you to ever feel alone.” His phone starts vibrating. He pulls it out, intending to shut it off, and then he realizes it’s Rich. “I’m pretty sure if I ignore this, Rich is going to think we’re both dead.” He gives Michael a look. “You don’t mind?”

  
Shivers travel through Michael's body. He **really** hates having all the attention. It almost puts more pressure into his chest. “Answer...just tell him I'm okay...and don't let go of me.” Michael says scared. His breathing gets heavy.

“Okay, Mikey.” Jeremy answers the phone, putting it on speaker phone. “Hey Rich.”  
A static voice yells.  
“JEREMY, ITH MICHAEL OKAY?”  
“Minus the fact you probably just exploded his ear drums, yes.”  
“Thorry Mike. I’ll fixth them when we get there.” Jeremy looks at Michael, confused.  
“Rich, what are you doing?”  
A silence falls. “Would driving to New York Thity to thee Michael be the wrong anthwer?”  
Jeremy winces at Michael. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”  
“Jake and I already halfway there. We left ath thoon as we got your text. The girlth would have come, but Chrithtine had thome theater performance and Chloe and Jenna were altho buthy. Tho you get Jake and I.”

Michael hears the phone call and winces as quiet as possible. Jake and Rich... **here**? Did they really have to come? Michael isn't even that close with them, he just wants Jeremy...although it would allow Jeremy a break from worrying about Michael. He still holds Jeremy tighter. He can tell the grip is hurting Jeremy, but he needs to get his point across without making any sound...but if they've been driving for twenty minutes, Michael's not sure if they want to go back.

“Rich, that seriously is not a good idea.” Jeremy says. “I told you, he’s fine.”  
“Yeah, but we both know for a fact that since he’s hurt, you’ll refuse to leave him alone and will most likely let your house, which I’m pretty sure is trashed, and yourself essentially mildew. We’re here because no one else will do that for you.” Jake says from the driver’s seat.  
Jeremy raises an eyebrow at Michael. _They’re not wrong._ He mouths at him.

Michael lets the tense grip drop hoping Jeremy will accept Rich and Jake's offer. Michael hates when Jeremy sees him like this. Michael quickly lets out another twitch. Imagining he won't see Jeremy at all and shakes it off. He has about seventeen minutes left with Jeremy. He can handle the attention by then, he's sure of it.

Jeremy nods. “Fine. Michael’s okay with it, and it would be stupid to turn around now.” He tells them the name of the hospital and their address, then says, “They probably won’t let you into the room to see Michael if you come here. If you go to the house, the spare key is under the welcome mat. It’s a mess in there, I’m warning you.”  
He can hear the grin in Rich’s voice. “Dude, we’ll be fine.”

“Jeremy...could you maybe hang up?” Michael asks quietly feeling panic flow back into his system. Jeremy nods at Michael; Michael tenses a bit, and he just wants Jeremy to hold him. He just wants Jeremy. Why do Rich and Jake have to come? Oh...to make Jeremy better. Jeremy, the most precious thing in Michael's world. _You're not good enough for him._ Michael feels a spasm crawl through his back weaving throughout his spine. _HE WANTS YOU DEAD._ Michael's breath shortens. “Jer, please.”

Jeremy hangs up the phone. “I know you don’t like this. Any of this. But if you want to go home, we need help. And I can’t help that Rich is like that.” He says. He moves from the chair and sits next to Michael on the bed, careful not to jostle his arm. “I love you, Mikey. Just reminding you. And they’re coming because they care too. You might not be that close to them, but they were willing to drop everything to come make sure you’re okay.” Jeremy looks down at Michael, taking his hand again. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh, please. Don't be sorry.” Michael’s voice cracks and Michael feels his body go limp from all the shocks he's feeling. _He's gonna leave you here to die!_ Michael whimpers. Then Michael does something stupid. He knows it'll hurt...but he needs a distraction. He grabs his left hand and pushes it into a bandage causing throbbing and hurting. Michael winces. _Is he stopping you?_ Michael presses harder causing his body to squirm. _If he loved you, he would stop you._ He presses harder.

Jeremy grabs his hand. “Michael, you have to stop this. You can’t keep hurting yourself like this.” He put Michael’s hand on his arm. “I dare you to do exactly what you were going to do to yourself to me.” He says, staring into Michael’s eyes. “Don’t hold back.”

“No.” Michael says and he suddenly feels a burning in between his bandages and completely retracts his injured arm. Blood seems to drip from it. _You should suffer._ Michael is sobbing again. He can't look at Jeremy, so Michael lays back down, wailing at the pain. Michael bites his lip. “Jeremy! What's happening to me?” Michael asks feeling blood drip. Michael hides his arm from Jeremy, but looks at it sharply. There were cuts in the shapes of circuits in his arm. He wants to touch Jeremy, but is too afraid. He lets his sobs out, and covers the new injury.

Jeremy takes his arm. “Michael, you’re going to be fine, I promise.” He says, choking up. “Just take a deep breath. I’m going to call the nurse. I know you don’t want me to, but I can’t fix this.” Inside, Jeremy is frantic. He never remembered this happening after the deactivation. During the SQUIP, definitely. But never after. “We’ll get you all fixed up, okay?”

Michael grabs Jeremy stopping him. “Don't.” Michael’s voice comes out almost completely electronic. He covers his mouth. The two boys stay in shock. “Jeremy what's wrong with me?” Michael’s heartbeat begins to rise again. Michael sobs. “Jer...are you sure I drank the entire bottle of red?”

Jeremy watches Michael. “Nothing’s wrong with you, Mikey. And I think so. And it worked with just a few drops with me.” Jeremy says. He stares at the scars. “I can’t just let you bleed out onto the sheets, Mikey. I also can’t let you hurt like this. Just please, let me call.”

Michael nods, terrified of what'll happen. “It did take awhile for yours to deactivate...you were passed out for a few days though...huh.” _God, you're such a loser._ The bleeding somehow stops. “Jer...it stopped.” Michael says. However, Michael realizes the circuits close while his old cuts reopen. “Yeah...get some help.” Michael says calmly.

Jeremy hits the button to call the nurse, then turns back to Michael. He stops dead in his tracks. “Why are you so calm, Mikey?” He asks quietly. “You were terrified a second ago.”

He knows Jeremy's right, but then he looks at the cuts that have reopened. He feels his body go limp. “Blood.” Michael says falling back into his bed. He tries to keep his eyes open, afraid of this nightmare being worse. “So tired.” He mumbles trying to get his message across to Jeremy. “If she's coming back in here...I’d put that mask back on.” Michael says feeling frail. A shock rips through his body making him squeak, “Jeremy!”

Jeremy lurches towards him. “Michael!” He grabs Michael’s shoulder. “What’s wrong?” Michael’s eyes close, and Jeremy flashes back to the bathroom back at home. “Mikey, keep looking at me. Please.” Then he realizes what Michael said. He slides the mask back on just in time. Karen bustles in, a worried look on her face.  
“He accidentally opened the cuts back up, and new ones appeared and I can’t fix him. He just passed out.” New bandages are applied on the cuts.

Somehow Michael can still hear everything that's going on around him, but can't feel a thing. Something's definitely wrong. _You're what's wrong._ Michael snaps awake and he can feel again. He keeps his eyes on Jeremy's who's clearly worried about him. He can see the pity in Jeremy's eyes. _Lets save you, pitiful child._ Michael feels like he's heating up again. What could be worse than this pain? Suddenly, Jeremy disappears from sight. Michael's face expression goes blank as crystal orbs form on his eyelashes that press against his glasses. _Problem solved._ Then Jeremy comes back into view.

Jeremy hovers over Michael. “Mikey, keep looking at me. You’re going to be fine.” A silent I hope remains unspoken. “Just stay awake, stay alive. I’m going to make sure you survive.” Jeremy says, holding his hand tightly.

Michael keeps his eyes on his beautiful boyfriend. Even with all the distress and the pain, Jeremy is Michael's favorite sight. Michael feels burning suns in his stomach. That's when he loses it. He looks at his IV, and then back at Jeremy. How bad would it hurt to rip out? That's when Michael feels it. His nose is running, dripping with blood. Michael notices that an electric currents come with it..the SQUIP was going out of his system through his blood. “Open my bandages.” Michael says, knowing it's the only way. “I know it sounds crazy..but the SQUIP, it's in my blood. We stop the bleeding, it stays inside me.” Michael says trying not to get blood in his mouth. He looks at the panicked Jeremy and says the bravest words he could possibly say, “if you don't do it, I will.” Michael shakes, blood is pouring out of his nose.

Jeremy shakes his head. It can’t be true. But it makes sense. When Michael was bleeding in the bathroom, he was almost totally Michael. Then as soon as he bandaged him up, he almost reverted back to SQUIP Michael. Jeremy turned to Karen. “Do as he says.”  
He’s surprised when she actually does. He realizes that she’s a little afraid of him, and trusting him as a sort of expert on SQUIPs. He supposes he is, not by choice.

The pain is hotter than anything in the world. “This a hospital...you can always give me more blood….but this SQUIP wants out.” Michael says. Michael bites down on his lip exposing more blood and it burned his skin. “Jer, do you still have the keys to the cruiser?” Michael feels his ears pop. Blood is flowing out of him and he feels super weak. Blood is covering his neck, probably staining it. Michael is happy to know he's not in his sweatshirt; he's also glad Jeremy isn't wearing his blue cardigan. He doesn't want those to be ruined. “Jer..get me the keys.” Michael says quietly. He notices his heart rate is strangely slow.

Jeremy is afraid. There’s so much blood, and his boyfriend is bleeding out on a hospital bed. He pulls out the keys. “Yeah, I do.” His voice cracks. “Why do you need them?” He asks, worriedly.

Ripping the keys out of Jeremy's hand. “Jeremy, I love you so much...look away.” Michael says handling the keys with his left hand. “Karen was it? Yeah, so this is gonna sound insane, but as soon as I pass out, don't make the bleeding stop. Not until the electricity is out.” Michael says. “Eyes, Jeremy now.” Michael instructs. Jeremy listens, scared of what Michael's about to do. He scraps the keys across both of his ears and then one on the back of his right elbow. He starts feeling woozy and he winces in pain. Jeremy shakes a bit knowing what Michael's doing. “Jer...I love you. And I'm sorry.” Michael says, taking the keys and reopening the shoulder scar he never opened all the way. “Now watch, wait until the electricity is gone.” Michael says. He discards the keys and he begins to pass out. “Stay strong Jer...the electricity has to be completely gone.” Michaels cuts all burn from the static. “I love you.” Michael says blowing Jeremy a kiss. Michael waits for the blood to over take him. He wants for it all to end. His heart rate gets even slower.

Jeremy closes his eyes. He can’t watch this. He’s had to watch Michael almost die too many times, he doesn’t ever want to again. He hears Karen the nurse screaming for help. The whole room smells of iron. By now, there must be blood everywhere. But there isn’t. Jeremy is sitting next to the bed and there is no blood anywhere near him. He opens his eyes. Everything is normal. White walls, white bedding, heart monitor beating normally. Michael’s face is calm. Jeremy blinks. Was he hallucinating? He could have sworn there was blood everywhere. Then he sees it all, running down the bed, pooling on the floor. Not a speck left anywhere. Just a perfect circular puddle.

Michael feels calm, but something is wrong. He still feels woozy, but he also feels free. “Oh my God...it's gone.” Michael says in shock. There's still gashes in his arms. He looks at Jeremy who isn't at all thrilled about what Michael has done.

“Michael, you could have died! You had no idea if that would actually work or not. You just stumbled in blindly and did it you massive idiot-” Jeremy says, freaking out.

“Shut up, twink.” Michael says feeling a lot more like himself. “I think I might need some stitches...I'm sorry I put you through all of that.” Michael admits. Michael waits to hear a voice in his head, but nothing's there. “I'm sorry, but thank you for sticking by my side through all of that.” Michael says. He still feels woozy but he rips his IV out of his arm and kneels to kiss the Jeremy, removing the mask of course. “See? All better.” Michael smiles. Boy, that was a mistake...Karen needs to sew Michael up before he actually does die. Jeremy isn't happy about what Michael's done what so ever.  
“All better? You were bleeding out of almost every part of your body on purpose and I’m supposed to be happy about this? I’m glad you’re alive and all but just go back into that hospital bed and let yourself get stitched up.”

An electronic voice crackles behind them. “How cute.” Jeremy freezes, his back to the voice. “It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, Jeremy Heere.” He whirls around, protecting Michael. The SQUIP stands before them, dripping blood. “You threw away my upgrade. Now you’re going to pay.” A gap in the bloody figure like a smile leers at Jeremy. Before Michael can do anything, the SQUIP lunges at Jeremy.

  
Michael wishes he had done something, but he watches as the SQUIP seems to overtake Jeremy. “JEREMIAH!” Michael cries. Michael feels his arm tinge. His wounds were closing and Jeremy is dead in front of him...something isn't right here. The wounds bind. Michael feels like he's in the wrong place...or maybe it's because he's just watching his love die. Jeremy doesn't exist...he is gone now. Michael screams at the top of his lungs in utter pain, and he wakes to see he's in his hospital bed. No SQUIP. Just stitches. And Jeremy's still next to him.

Jeremy looks at Michael, their hands still interlaced. “Michael, you have to stop this. You can’t keep hurting yourself like this.” He put Michael’s hand on his arm. “I dare you to do exactly what you were going to do to yourself to me.” He says, staring into Michael’s eyes. “Don’t hold back.”

Michael blinks. No time has passed at all. “Wait….that wasn't real?” Michael is panicked, but also feels relief at the same time. Michael slides down the hospital bed and hugs Jeremy as tight as can. “Thank...goodness.” Michael breathes heavily. He sobs into Jeremy's shoulder. “I thought I lost my favorite person.” Michael mumbles. He's shaking so badly now.

Jeremy hugs him back, very confused. “What do you mean? You were right here the whole time. You didn’t even pass out.” He cocks his head. “What do you mean, you lost me? What wasn't real?” Jeremy holds Michael as tightly as he can without hurting him. “Did you have a dream?”

“It was fucking hell.” Michael feels Jeremy's soft pale skin. It's so cold, and Michael's skin is still on fire. Michael wishes they could stay like this forever. “I cut myself open in so many ways.” Michael starts wheezing again. “And...the SQUIP was real! AND HE-” Michael hiccups. He holds to Jeremy tighter. “He...he…” Michael can't seem to get the words out as the image replays in his head. “He killed you.” Michael says quickly letting all the air out of his lungs. This truly is a heinous night.

Jeremy pulls him closer. “I’m right here, it was all a dream. I’m not dying any time soon, and I’m sure as hell not being killed by a SQUIP.” He pulls away. “You need to tell me what happened. All of it.”

“My voice got electronic and you called for help and my cuts started opening and circuits burned through my arm and you just tried to help and, and, and, and, we figured out the SQUIP could be let out through my blood and, and, and,” He let's this all out in one breath, trying to slow down. Michael is trembling a mile a minute. He looks at Jeremy with so many tears in his eyes, he can't even see Jeremy. He lets them roll down his face. He wish he could see Jeremy through he tears. “And, and...so my nose ran like crazy and so did my ears and you gave me the keys to the cruiser and I just started cutting my skin, my ears and my elbow and, and, and opening the shoulder scar all the way and, and, and, then the SQUIP was made of my blood and, and, and, and, you were so mad I was doing this to myself. I was so scared you'd leave and, and, and, and, and, then the SQUIP killed you! Just dead. AND JEREMY! NOW IM HERE! BUT IT WAS REAL! IT WAS SO REAL! I CAN STILL FEEL IT.” Michael can't seem to slow down. His head is spinning.

Jeremy pulls him closer. “Mikey, I’m alright. It was just a dream. You’re fine. It wasn’t real, just the aftereffects of the pill.” He kisses Michael’s forehead sweetly. “You just need to lay down, okay? The scars are going to get infected.”

Shocked, Michael can't move. He refuses to let go of Jeremy. He wants to listen, he does...but the image of Jeremy dying rips through his mind shattering his heart in so many ways , the cutting with the keys feels so real. He squeaks holding onto Jeremy tighter. Michael's entire body aches, scared it'll hurt more if Jeremy escapes this hold. “Jeremy, I can't. I can't let go of you...it was just too real.” Michael wants to stay in Jeremy's embrace. There's only one way Michael will lie down, and that's if Jeremy is lying there with him. “I'm so sorry.” Michael feels the fire dance across his chest, pure anxiety. “Jeremy...don't let go of me please..if you saw what I saw..if you saw me die?” Michael feels Jeremy tense. “Sorry Jer...I just feel so safe like this…” Michael says through a broken voice. Jeremy still feels so fragile underneath Michael's arm, like the wrong touch can break him. However, Michael won't let go. His heart just keeps tearing at the horrid thought. “I can't breathe Jer.” Michael admits finally. “I can't let go either.” Michael says, staying close to the pale boy he watched die only moments ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are enjoying it! Hey, you're over halfway through. The happy ending is just around the corner. :D  
> I promise, it gets better.  
> ~PlayerOneMell


	6. Letting It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael let's out his insecurities, and there's mentions of suicide. The boys talk for awhile, with some yelling here and there. Mostly from Michael.

Jeremy breathes out, not letting go of Michael. “Mikey, I’m alive. I know those dreams feel real, but I promise they aren’t. They’re made to mess with your head.” He says. “If they were really true, you’d be dead a million times because of my nightmares. Everything would have been reversed, you would have never saved me.”

Michael can feel Jeremy go cold against him. “I'm sorry you had to go through all of this alone.” Michael apologizes. He can't stop shaking, but he's struggling to breathe. He wants to say more, but he knows he can't pass out on Jeremy again. He doesn't want to fall asleep again. “Jeremy…” Michael needs Jeremy to talk to him. His heart is pounding.

Jeremy shuts his eyes, trying to stop the memories. “I’m okay. Now. I may not have been then, but it’s too late to fix it now.” He says. “Just try to focus on breathing, Mikey. In and out, okay?” An image of the SQUIP appears in his head, telling him that he isn't good enough. He wishes it away. _Not now. Not ever if Michael needs me._ The face vanishes. Jeremy opens his eyes, watching the heart monitor.

“I am so sorry….” Michael repeats. He really can't think of anything else to say because his brain is racing at the speed of light. He tries to listen to Jeremy, but breathing seems like a struggle. Michael cries and flinches again with the pain of everything. Michael's muscles seem to have a mind of their own as they continue to shake and spasm. “Jeremy.” He whispers wanting Jeremy to stop all of this. Michael doesn't want to suffer anymore. He tries keeping his sobs quiet; the tears blur his vision so that he can't see Jeremy. He keeps his arms around him hearing his own voice crack with the tears. “Jeremy...thanks for doing this.” Michael shakes. “I feel like shit.” Michael tries to continue, yet his tears get the best of him. He can tell Jeremy is just as scared as he is. Michael doesn't want this to be game over, but this level seems impossible to pass.

Jeremy winces at Michael’s crying. He hates that sound. He always has, even when they first met, even when they were just kids. “What kind of boyfriend would I be if I left you in pain?” Jeremy says. He tries to keep Michael still, or as still as he can.

The sick boy tries to stop his crying. “I want to go home Jer…” Michael is still startled. “It's so much worse having these night terrors…” Michael pauses for a second still not being able to breathe. His chest is rock hard now. He can't remember if breath was going in or out when he stopped. He starts talking through the pain that's lodged in his chest “in a hospital bed.” Michael is struggling to speak, but hates silence. “I'd rather be at home, in bed with you snuggling or-” Michael has to pause again, the pain gets worse with every word “playing...video...games.” Michael slowly lets out. He tries not to hold onto to Jeremy as much as he'd like. His chest just seems to keep condensing.

Jeremy catches him trying to pull away and reels him back in. “I promise, we’ll do that as soon as you’re healed. We’re going to complete Apocalypse of the Damned, for once and for all. We’re on the second to last level, Mikey!” He says. “As soon as you’re okay enough to come home, that’s what we’re doing.”

Michael lets Jeremy hold him, but Michael feels everything go numb except for his chest. He feels it continue to get tighter; not letting Michael release air, nor receive it. “Jer-” Michael tries but he can feel his throat burn as he tries to speak. The chest getting tighter. He doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know how to make it stop. The pain gets tighter until Michael is completely hunched over in Jeremy's embrace.

Jeremy pulls away, just enough to allow Michael to get air. “Mikey, are you okay? Is there something wrong?” He notices that Michael can’t breathe. “Michael, do you need a nurse?” He pauses. “You don’t have to speak, just nod or shake your head. And don’t be brave and noble, be honest.”

He doesn't want a nurse in there, he doesn't want fuckin Karen or anyone else. He wants Jeremy. Michael doesn't know what to do. Jeremy has a panic in his eyes, his beautiful ocean blue eyes...Michael doesn't want the chance of Jeremy being taken out of the room. Michael doesn't want a nurse, but Jeremy said need. Michael is practically suffocating. “Jer, please…” Michael says tugging at Jeremy wanting to bring him close again. “I just need you.” Michael says feeling fear suddenly pulse through him. He has to make sure no one else comes in here, it'll only make things worse.

“Mikey, you can barely breathe.” Jeremy says, grabbing his shoulders. He looks into Michael’s eyes. “But fine. What do you need me to do?” Anything Michaels says, Jeremy would do right at this moment.

Michael doesn't know what to say. His vision alters making look Jeremy really far away. “Take my glasses off.” Michael says quickly, thinking it'll make the dizziness go away. “Jer, please. Please I can't look at this anymore.” Michael’s still struggling for words. He can see the images he saw just moments ago in his dream. _You were always quite the loser, Michael._ He flashbacks to the time him and Jeremy were fighting at the play. Michael didn't understand it was the SQUIP at the time. He feels awful about it still...he feels the pain from when Jeremy hit him. He blinks and sees the scared Jeremy in front of him. “Talk to me.” Michael is pleading with as much emotion as he can. He can feel his clavicles want to crack with all the pressure on his chest. “Just..” Michael can't manage to say another word.

Jeremy takes off Michael’s glasses and folds them, putting them on the side table of the bed. “There we go.” He looks back up at Michael, who looks even more vulnerable without his glasses. “What do you want me to talk about?” He asks. Jeremy’s worried that he’ll say the wrong thing and set Michael off again. “I’ve already told you all of my insecurities. What else?”

Michael rubs his eyes violently, he never used to cry...he's not a crier! Jeremy's a crier! Michael always struggles to cry, why is this happening now? He wants you to die. “Jer…” Michael feels like a human earthquake. You need to die. Michael's chest somehow contracts more making Michael bite his lip to stop the screaming. “Why do you live with me? After all I've done? After all this panic and fear, why stay? Why keep living with me? I'm your problem.” _No, he's your problem._ “WHY JEREMY? WHY?” The SQUIP is taunting Michael with memories and pain and hurt. “WHY DO YOU KEEP LIVING WITH ME? I AM WORTHLESS!” Michael is pissed for reasons unknown. He's leaking his insecurities out of his mouth. He doesn't want to scare Jeremy, but the questions are coming at a rapid pace. _Screw Jere. Hurt yourself again._ “I AM NOTHING! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! THE ONLY REASON IM TRASH IS BECAUSE AT LEAST YOU WILL TAKE ME OUT!” Michael finally lets air in but it's rapidly let out with his nice sentence making pain return. “WHY NOT JUST LEAVE ME IN SOME DUMPSTER TO DIE!” It triggers memories for Michael. Michael was covered in trash as a ‘clever disguise’ at Jake's Halloween party in junior year and he feels the pain from that moment. “WHY?” He calls out again.

Jeremy takes Michael’s hand. “Do you want to know why? Because you’re my Mikey. You have your bad times. Your bad days, weeks. You do tick me off sometimes just for being so dumb. You just don’t see how much you mean to me. You complete me, you make me feel like I’m part of something so special. And it is special. Because there is no one exactly like you. Can you find me another boy who likes out of print games and retro skates, who sings badly to ABBA in the shower? Who can make me feel better just by smiling at me, who sometimes has adorable dimples. Your silly jokes that are just so frankly ridiculous I can’t help but laugh at them. The way your hand fits in mine. How adorable you look in that hoodie. How excited you get whenever there’s a Star Wars marathon on. When you get really into something, and it’s like you could talk for hours.” Jeremy sort of went into a rant. “The expression on your face when you get so into a video game. When you tried to cook for me. Multiple times. When you tried to teach me how to roller skate in eighth grade and I almost broke my ankle. How your cheeks get pink when you’re concentrating. I could go on for hours, Mikey. Because you aren’t worthless, you’re amazing. You’re my favorite person on this earth, and you brighten up my day, even when you’re pissed off. Just seeing you gives me this warm feeling, and I never want that to end.”

_He's lying. He wants you to die. Kill them with kindness._ Michael feels his entire body spasm. Jeremy has to be honest. “You deserve better.” Michael mumbles hoping Jeremy won't hear his insecurities...but he can't help it...Jeremy has to know. “I don't deserve you, you deserve the world! I would build you a new one if I could, but I can't! I don't know how! Sometimes it's hard to let go of the past. I'm just a stupid fuck Jeremy! I'm a fuck up! A mistake!” It was Michael's turn to rant. “I am just some needy fuck in need of help. I'm a loser! I'm a fool for thinking you could ever love some fuckin loser like me! A FOOL!” Michael feels his pain in his ribs. He can practically feel the marrow inside them, but at the same time they feel like metal. “I don't deserve you! You are perfect! Flawless! Advert your eyes when you look at me! SHUN ME! I deserve loneliness, I deserve pain, I deserve nothing but a cold dead heart. I try my hardest for you, but I just can't. I know there's a fire in my heart, but you know what it's saying? I'm a fuck up. I've completely fucked up your life! Without me it'd be perfect!” Michael is reeling. “Admit it Jeremy! I am your problem.”

Jeremy leaned forward and kissed Michael. “You are NOT my problem. I’m my problem. You are the one that gets me through every day, you’re the one I need to more than survive. You may be a loser in some people’s eyes, but in mine you’re just so perfect and human and beautiful. I’m a far cry from flawless. I don’t deserve the world, because I almost destroyed it. You saved the school. You saved the world. You saved me. So don’t ever say you’re a loser ever again, because if you were, neither of us would be here right now. You made my life better, you were the only person that got me through grade school and high school. I can’t think of a single thing about me you fucked up. If you weren’t there, I'd be dead. If I didn't kill myself after my mom left, I probably would have come high school. Even if I lasted until then, I would have definitely taken the SQUIP, and there would have been no one to save me. I'd be taken advantage of and made to be a slave to the SQUIP. And even then, if I had somehow defeated the SQUIP by myself, you saved me from suicide so many times. You kept me from doing things just because I couldn't bear to see hurt on your handsome, beautiful, wonderful face.”

“I should be the one dead if anything.” Michael realizing he's almost twisting Jeremy's words. “And Jer...I inscribed the word in my arm...it's kind of forever now.” Michael sighs. “Forever...like the misery you'll feel if you stay by my side. Jeremy, find someone better. Find someone who's not a loser. Someone you deserve! You deserve better! Someone who can sing ABBA! Someone who will listen more than talk! Someone better than me! Someone who...who can cook!” Michael starts begging. He wants Jeremy to have the best, and he knows it's not him. His ribs close in around him, holding all the shaking in one place. Michael wants to see Jeremy, but refuses to put the glasses back on feeling he doesn't even deserve to see him. His ribs are raging in pain. “Seriously.” Michaels face getting more serious. “You deserve better.” Michael feels his tears sting his eyes. He refuses to let them out...so more of insecurities do. “I can't sing! I can't give you the love you deserve! Every gift I've ever given to you, I try to make it perfect! Cause I want your life to be perfect just like you are. I'm sure you can see how much effort I put into Chanukah despite the fact I don't completely understand it.” Michael’s ribs on fire. “I just don't deserve you. Don't deserve to see you, don't deserve to hold you, don't deserve to kiss you, don't deserve to have you save my life! I CLEARLY DESERVE TO BE DEAD!” Michael shouts as pain ravages through his torso. He wants Jeremy to hold him, he wants Jeremy to touch him, but he doesn't feel worthy. “HALF OF THE TIME I FEEL INVISIBLE! AND EVENTUALLY YOU MADE ME FEEL THAT WAY! DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU KNOW IM HOLDING YOU BACK! YOU KNOW! YOU KNOW IM THE FUCKERY THAT FUCKED UP YOUR PERFECT WORLD! YOU ARE A MASTERPIECE!” Michael is pissed at himself for being so worthless. “I am worthless. I am nothing. I'm a loner...a stoner...a worthless piece of shit! Invisible! Nothing!” Michael looks down. “LOSER!” He cries. Michael crunches his palms into his fist digging his nails into his hands.

“Michael, get this image of me out of your head that I'm an angel that can do no wrong. I fucked up so much worse than you. I messed up your entire life. I was the one that pushes you to do this to yourself. I did this to you, I'm your problem. You admit it. I want to say that you should leave me and find someone who won't reject you for some popular crowd, who won't hurt you physically or emotionally, but I can't. I'm too selfish to say that. Because you're the one I want, the one I need. If I never saw you again, I would literally want to die. But I suppose you're fine with never seeing me again. If you want me to find someone better, I'll do it because you asked. I would hate ever damn second of it, but if it would make you happy I would do it. But if I ever did, just know that I'd take one step away from you and come right back to your side, because I will never find someone who fits me better than you do.”

“No, it won't make me happy.” Michael's breath picks up. “I'd be miserable, I'd be dying. I CAN STILL FEEL THE PAIN FROM WHEN YOU FONDED OVER CHRISTINE, JEREMY! You went through hell for that girl and she just didn't love you!” Michaels ribs feel jagged like knives cutting into his heart, his stomach, his lungs. “I LOVE YOU!” Michael cries. “Let me see you...let me see your face. Let me see your eyes with the swirling blue galaxies that rush to my heart like tidal waves! Let me see you!” Michael is begging. “I don't deserve it, but I need it.” Michael says holding back fear and all his pain so Jeremy can't see. “LET ME SEE YOU.”

Jeremy pressed Michael's glasses into his hands. “I know I made an awful decision. It was not ever worth it for Christine as a partner. But I'm glad that I could open up my eyes and see just how stupid I was being, and how terrible I was to you. I'm glad that it got you and me together, finally. I'm glad that it made me realize just how much I loved you. And yeah, I love everything about you. Every fuck up and happy moment, every awful and beautiful word, all your habits and quirks, I love it all.” Jeremy says. He's given up trying not to cry. “Why can't you just see that? I wish I could give you a pair of glasses and for you to look in the mirror and see yourself how I see you.”

“Jeremy, don't cry. Please.” Michael says wanting to take Jeremy's pain away. Wishing he never spoke at all. “You are an angel, you just don't see it...but Jer...how can you possibly love me after watching me do this to myself? You've seen me at my worst!” Michael exclaims pushing down his pain as much as he can. He adjusts his glasses a bit so he can really see his beautiful boy. “I just want you happy. I want you safe. I want you protected. I try my best.” Michael keeps trying to swallow his pain. “How could you be safe around me? How can you possibly be happy with me after watching me do this?” Michael asks honestly. He knows he's giving Jeremy a look, that Jeremy will know if he misplaces one word, it'll cause an explosion inside him.

“I'll be honest, it felt like hell. But I know that you'll heal. I know that you're still my Michael, scars and all. Scars are part of you, but they don't define you. Just because your scars say you're a loser does not mean you are.” Jeremy reached out and fixed his glasses. “You are not a loser, or a creep. You're Michael Mell, and I love you.”

Michael blinks seeing the painful memories flash. He swallows the pain, he keeps trying to push it down. He can feel his diaphragm rubbing fiercely against his ribs. Michael keeps in, he keeps it in for Jeremy. “I love you, Jeremy Heere.” Michael says quickly. “You know...next time this happens, I promise I'll tell you what I'm feeling instead of trying to push you away.” Michael starts to shake. “Like now….like right now.” Michael says. Michael starts coughing, hacking his lungs out, lungs that refuse to fill with air. He blinks and more memories rush through him. He feels a tidal wave of emotion over him. He feels frail, fragile, broken. “Jer, I still feel insecure, a loser, like I don't deserve you but...but can you help me out here?” Michael asks. “I'm sorry I put you through this.” Michael looks at his bandages. He can feel his face fill with the fire of embarrassment. “I can't help but think about what this does to you.” Michael confesses. He begins to curl into a ball. He hugs his knees tightly, making it harder to breathe.

Jeremy moved closer and kisses Michael's forehead. “I hate seeing you like this, but I'd go through hell for you. And I will always be here to help you out. I'll be here until you get better, and so many years after that. I'll make it right, make it better for all the shit I've put you through. Just loosen up a bit, alright love? You need to unwind, and let it all out, don't curl up and bottle it in.”

“Jer...I hate when you see me like this...but if you think it'll help.” Michael says. He refuses to look at Jeremy. He releases his grip and lets his legs extend. He bites his lip a bit...but he listens to Jeremy. He hurts so much, the ache releases with Michael's sobs. He let’s his body shake. He doesn't want to look at Jeremy. He doesn't want Jeremy to see the pain, the fear, the insecurities, or any of his feelings, in his eyes. He's sobbing and crying. He wants Jeremy to go away, to leave him alone. He doesn't want Jeremy near him when he's like this. He has to get better, he wants to go home. His throat is dry, but the pain rips through it. Michael can't take how horrible he sounds. He covers his mouth with his hand tightly. He wants to bite down, but doesn't knowing Jeremy is only inches away from him. He just wants Jeremy…

Jeremy went to take his hand again when all of a sudden, he heard voices in the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early upload! :D   
> Hope you guys are enjoying.  
> I'm sorry that I'm the only one sending you guys notes. I'm usually the one posting chapters, but bananneliese is around! We both do independent work and I recommend you check it out!  
> ~ PlayerOneMell


	7. I Want That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rich and Jake make an entrance

“We’re here to see Michael Mell.” Jake’s voice.  
“You can’t go in, visiting hours are over. If you sign in by our help desk on the clipboard-”  
“Do I look like I give a fuck?” Then the voice says some choice places of where Karen could shove her clipboard. Rich and Jake were here. Jeremy imagines Rich, short little Rich with his lisp, cussing out Karen, and tries not to grin. Then he remembers Michael. Jeremy looks at Michael, sadly. “Do you want to let them in? You don’t have to.”

Michael doesn't know what to do. He's letting out his pain and he doesn't want Rich and Jake to see him like this. Jeremy just looks so exhausted, and it can give Jeremy a break. Michael starts to bottle the pain back up. He’s hoping Jeremy will go get some rest, or change his clothes at the least. He knows their house is mess. Michael continues to debate the idea in his head hearing the boys beg Karen to let them in. Michael really didn’t want them here in the first place. Michael just wants Jeremy...he just needs Jeremy. What if something were to happen?...Well, Rich does have experience with the SQUIP….and Michael is dying for Jeremy to just rest and get cleaned up a bit. “If you let them in, you have to go home.” Michael insists. “They’ll be watching me, and you can go get cleaned up. Maybe put on the cardigan I love you in? Maybe you can get my sweatshirt back and wash it too.” Michael hates the idea of not being with Jeremy...but Jeremy needs to be better too. “Just go and promise that you’ll be right back.” Michael’s still shaking a little bit. “I gave you the keys to the cruiser for a reason.” Michael replies.

“Are you sure?” He sighs. “If I do go home, do you promise to tell Rich or Jake if you need anything? And call me if you need me.” Jeremy says. He doesn’t want to leave Michael, but maybe it would do them both good to get some fresh air. Get away, just for a little bit to clear their heads. He kisses Michael’s forehead. “I’m going to let them in.” He opens the door.  
“Hey guys.” He says, keeping the door open. “Michael’s in there.” He nods back at the room. Jeremy gives Karen a look, and she just rushes away. “He’s just a little emotional right now. It’s been a rough night.” He says, giving a small smile. Rich and Jake have barely changed. It’s still a ridiculous height difference, with Rich being very small, with muscle tees and camo pants that he somehow still fits in, despite owning them since junior year. Jake, however, is wearing jeans, and something Jeremy has never seen him wear- a polo shirt.

  
“Jer, are they coming in or what?” Michael asks. Jeremy nods letting the two of them in the room, Michael also shocked about Jake in the polo shirt. “What's the shirt?” Michael asks Jake shakily. He looks at Jeremy who's kind of standing awkwardly by the door. “Jeremy, seriously, go home and get cleaned up.” Michael says with so much love in his eyes, he's not sure he really wants Jeremy to leave. Michael's not close with Jake or Rich. Rich knows about the SQUIP though...and out of all of Jeremy's other friends, Michael’s favorite is Jake.

Jake rolls his eyes. “I have a job. It’s not like I can wear a T-shirt. And I was in a rush.” He gives Michael a smile.  
Jeremy loiters by the door, not wanting to leave. “I’ll be right back. I promise.” He blows Michael a kiss. “Promise to text me if anything happens?” He asks Rich, who just nods. Jeremy smiles sadly at Michael. “Love you, Mikey.” He starts to walk away, heading towards the doors of the hospital. He’s well aware he looks like hell. His face is blotchy, his shirt is stained with sweat and dried blood, and his hair is probably a mess. Before he leaves, he stops by the front desk and picks up Michael’s sweatshirt.  
Jeremy pulls out the keys to the Cruiser, heading out to the car. He gets in, everything so familiar. It smells like a mixture of weed and the Seven Eleven Michael works at. He sighs and starts the car, looking back at the hospital.

  
As Jeremy walks out the door, Michael can feel all the horrid night terrors rush into his system all at once. Jeremy leaving him forever, what if he doesn't come back? Jeremy dying…Jeremy dead. Jeremy just hurting him, or even Jeremy hurting himself because Michael's not there to help him...or protect him. _He wants you dead just as much as I do. He's never coming back._ Michael swallows his pain. “So how's New Jersey?” He asks feeling awkward with Jake and Rich.  
“Juth the way you left it, tall ath.” Rich replies.  
“Just a stupid town where nothing ever happens. Christine is making her way, quite up the charts though.” Jake says smiling.  
Michael lets out a shiver with the word Christine. What if Jeremy was going back to her and this is all a trick? Michael fights away the images in his head. He can't freak out while Jeremy's not here. Jeremy knows what to do, and Michael just doesn't trust Jake and Rich. Michael thinks about it for awhile, and before he realizes it, he's crying again.  
“Dude. Are you okay?” Jake asks looking at Michael.  
He's panicking worse now. Attention, and no Jeremy? And not Jeremy's attention. No Jeremy in sight, _Loser, it's simple! He wants you dead. Just like you want yourself._ Michael's panic feels his bubbling stomach which he's glad is empty. “I un...I uh...yeah, I'm fine.” Michael lies suddenly wishing he never sent Jeremy back to the house. Wishing he had his sweatshirt on. Wishing he didn't swallow the SQUIP. Wishing he didn't steal it from those boys in the first place but at the same time he is so glad he did. “I didn't mean to start crying, it's just rough coming off a SQUIP, ya know?” Michael suddenly freezes. Jeremy didn't tell Rich and Jake exactly what was wrong with him..and he just did.  
“You were THQUIPPED?” Rich asks quickly. “On...on-” he looks to Jake not wanting to let his lisp out.  
“On purpose?”  
Michael shakes his head quickly. “Jeremy thought he gave me a sleeping pill and...and it was an accident and, and, and-” Michael’s struggling to tell the tale of what has happened tonight. It happened so quickly. “It was a mistake. We deactivated it as soon as we could. The SQUIP just made me do things, so now I'm here.” Michael explains starting to hyperventilate, as his heart rate goes up. He knows now that sending Jeremy away was the biggest mistake he's made that night.

Jeremy pulls into the driveway, feeling so empty. He hates leaving Michael with Jake and Rich. He knows that there was no way to fight it, they’d have forced him to leave if he hadn’t. He opens the door and realizes just how much of a mess it is. Blood and broken glass and the smell of weed. Jeremy sighs. He tosses the keys on the side table by the door. He heads into the living room and kneels down to start cleaning up the glass and winces. He had forgotten that he had scraped up his legs. He checks his phone. Nothing.  
Jeremy sighs and gets up, going to change out of his bloody clothes. He digs around in his drawers, trying to find a shirt. He pulls out a shirt and almost drops it. An Eminem shirt. He’d thought he’d gotten rid of it. Jeremy takes a deep breath and throws it across the room. This is all his fault. It’s because of him that Michael’s like this. Because of him and all the things he fucked up.

  
The crying can't seem to stop. It's flows out of Michael quickly. His eyes go out of focus completely, even with the glasses on his face. Oh, everything about you makes me wanna die. Michael’s legs begin to squirm. He’s really trying to hide this; being vulnerable isn’t exactly Michael’s jam. He watches all his muscles tense and then relax quickly. He misses Jeremy. He needs Jeremy with him.  
“What the hell do we do?” Jake whispers to Rich.  
“Doth it look I’d know?” Rich asks.  
Rich spots the burns on Michael’s legs and grabs Michael’s ankle quickly. Michael is losing his mind. _Look, they’re paying attention to you. Another thing you don’t deserve._  
“Did you thet a fire or thomething?” Rich asks almost laughing.  
“No!” Michael shouts. “I..awhile back in high school junior year Jeremy was leaving me, and and, and, and, he just wouldn’t listen. I just, I just...I just didn’t have anything so I did that.”  
“That to?” Jake asks.  
Michael is completely shivering...not shivering...trembling. His entire body quaking. He continues to explain all the events of the night. Jake and Rich stand in shock. Michael feels like his chest is empty, but full of sound. He looks at his heart monitor. “DON’T JUST STAND THERE LIKE IDIOTS! DO SOMETHING!” Michael shouts out them.

  
Jeremy feels his emotions well up. Everything that’s happened, and he hates leaving Michael. He really does. He digs out a different shirt that he isn’t sure is his or Michael’s and changes. He throws all the clothes in the washer. He tries to distract himself from the pain, but he can’t stop looking at his phone. No texts, but he just decides to leave. He picks up his cardigan and heads back out, not even bothering to do anything else. He can’t concentrate. Ten minutes later, he’s heading back into the hospital.

  
“DUDE, TEXT JEREMY!” Jake shouts at Rich letting the tension build in the room.  
“You really think that’th a good idea?” Rich asks. “He needth time to calm down! If we text him he could crath a car or thomething!” Rich counters.  
“Michael, what do you need?” Jake asks.  
He needs Jeremy. “It's….um….don't text him.” Michael says honestly as a doctor comes back in noticing the spiking in Michael's heart rate.  
“Who are they?”  
“Thir, I don't think that’th a good quethtion. I know about thuips juth like the other tall ath that wath here.”  
“I'm Jake, his fiancé.” Jake says, explaining himself to the doctor.  
“Okay..whatever. Mr.Mell have you considered brain surgery?” The doctor asks looking at Michael.  
“I'm sorry, what?”  
“There's a procedure patients can through, getting rid of SQUIPS from their brains. It gets rid of the voice and the side effects.” The doctor explains.  
“All of the pain?” Michael asks, almost excited.  
“Michael don't.” Rich says.  
“Yes, all of it. If you need to discuss it, I'll leave you be and be back in a few minutes…Just know there's a bit of memory loss that comes with it.” The doctor leaves the room.  
Michael knows Jeremy wouldn't approve of this, it seems unnecessary, but Michael's eyes were lit with excitement. Gone forever? That sounds awesome. But what if he can forget this entire nightmare of a night? What a SQUIP is? His insecurities? Jeremy wouldn't have to watch him suffer. Maybe he'd forget how badly Jeremy hurt him! Him and jeremy could be happy! No string or insecurities attached! They could be...happy. Michael looks at Rich and Jake with determination on his face,  
“I want that.” Michael says in absolute seriousness.  
“Are you inthane?” Rich squeaks. “Michael they'd have to thave part of your luscious locks! Jeremy would kill uth if we let that happen! And memory loth is theriouth!”  
“He's right. Michael, I think you should consider the bad things. Talk to Jeremy about it if anything.” Jake says, calmer than Rich.  
“I want that.” Michael repeats.  
“I'm texting Jeremy.” Jake says grabbing his phone, and no one stops him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are in for a very wild ride in the last few chapters, but I promise. There's a good ending. I'm not a complete sadist. ~ PlayerTwoHeere
> 
> Yes, all happy endings for our boyfs. Glad you've made this far. The next chapter might make you cry. That's your warning. ~ PlayerOneMell


	8. Last Moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Jeremy have a real heart felt talk. Nothing in the world could ever take the, away from each other...or could it?

Jeremy pulls out his phone when it vibrates in his pocket. Jake’s texting him. Dude, your boyfriend is insane. He wants brain surgery. Come ASAP.   
Jeremy stops cold. I’m at the hospital already, got too worried. Did clean up a bit. He rushes upstairs, no one stopping him, determined to get to Michael as soon as possible. He bursts in the door to the room, panting, face red, making everyone jump. “Michael George Mell, what the hell are you even considering?” He knows he’s being rash, stupid even, but he just can’t let Michael do this. Because he’d been through this, had been offered this surgery when he had the SQUIP. The biggest risk, the reason Jeremy didn’t take up the offer, was total memory loss. And he couldn’t handle it if Michael forgot all about him.

The sick boy jumps at the sight of worried Jeremy, wanting to kill Jake. “Leave the room.” Michael instructs. He watches Rich and Jake walk right out. “Jeremy, it gets rid of pain, and there's too much inside of me! If I do it, it'll be totally gone! And it's not all of the memory just some and usually memories from when you had the SQUIP IN YOUR HEAD! I can forget this heinous night, the insecurities, the pain, and the worry in your eyes! Maybe if I'm lucky I'll forget the times I've hurt you and you've hurt me! Maybe even forget the fact that I have extreme social anxiety..” Michael stops for a moment. “How did you get here so quickly?” He asks, still panicky. Tears are staining the soft skin on Michael's face. “Jeremy, I just want the pain to stop. Is that so much to ask for? Isn't it worth the risk?” Michael asks. “I don't want you to see me like this anymore.” He confesses.

“Did they tell you how easy it is to fuck up the procedure? One tiny mistake and everything is gone. That’s why I didn’t do it. You forget who you are, every memory just vanishes. You can’t be selective with shit like that! Extracting that damn thing is so touchy, only 13% of procedures actually work successfully. Because it doesn’t want to leave, and if it’s forced to, it self destructs, taking you out with it. You don’t know what it’ll take. Yeah, it might succeed and you could get rid of it. You ask if it’s worth the risk? Sure, if you want to maybe forget everything you love and enjoy and all your happy memories. If you want to forget me.” Jeremy says, pacing the floor. “Pain is better than nothing. If you have no memories, you’re a shell. You’re just alive enough because your organs work involuntarily. If you have pain, you’re human. You’re flawed and pained but that’s what makes you, you.” Jeremy stops, looking down. “And, if you’re really wondering it’s because I was worried. I got restless.”

“Jeremy, I want this. I can't live like this. On top of my depression? On top of my social anxiety? On top of the insecurities? Jer please…” Michael is crying and looking right at Jeremy. Jeremy's pacing makes Michael more anxious. “I can't handle a SQUIP whispering things...at me...like this...Jeremy if I have to live with a SQUIP I will go home and just kill myself because I just fucking can't. Not with my depression. Jeremy I can't.” Michael is hyperventilating again thinking of a future stuck with a SQUIP. “I can't...I can't….Jer…..look at me.” Jeremy snaps his head over to Michael who's giving him puppy dog eyes and kneeling upright on his hospital bed. “Please Jer.” Michael is trembling so bad. “I need this...otherwise I'll go over that edge...faster than anything in the world…..Jer, I want it to stop...and I can...please Jer...please...I want it...I need it….please.” Michael’s voice is going soft and his body feels so limp.

“Mikey, how am I supposed to let you maybe lose every memory of us together? It’ll be almost worse than watching you die. Because instead of you being gone forever, in body and mind, you’re going to be there, forever, just taunting me, a constant reminder that I could have saved you but I couldn’t. Just like every other time.” Jeremy says, his voice shaking with emotion. “But whatever. It’s your choice, it’s your head. I wish I could stop you, but I know that it’s pointless. If you think you need it, get it.” He runs his hands through his hair for what seems like the millionth time that night, making it even messier. “Just please consider it.”

Michael feels his heart break from the millionth time that night. “Jer, if you don't think it's a good idea…” Michaels shaking. He reaches his hand out, but can't quite reach Jeremy. “Jer...really...if you don't want me to I won't…” Michael feels almost manipulative for wanting to say what he wants to say next but refrains. He places it delicately instead. “I….I just can't...i can't be as brave as you are Jeremy. You still hear that voice...and you're alive. Five years. Does it even fade over time? Jeremy...my anxiety is bad with it..,you see it in me. You can't tell me you don't see me quaking. You can't tell me you don't see how badly I need you. My love is so strong for you, no amnesia could talk that away. Ever.” Michael says standing out of the bed and letting his shaky legs walk towards Jeremy. He's really making an effort. He holds Jeremy by the waist and kisses him. “Tell me what you think is best. You know me better than anyone else. Tell me Jer, what do you think is best for me?”

“I don't know what is. I don't want to see you in pain, but I couldn't handle it if you looked at me and had no clue who I was. Because you'll look at me and maybe your emotions are intact, but you don't know why you love me.” Jeremy kissed him again. “I want you to do whatever you think will be the best for you. Don't care about me for once. Don't let me influence your decisione. If you think you can survive the odds, then do it. Just…” He took a deep breath. “Make sure you're absolutely sure.”

“Not think about you?” Michael kisses Jeremy harder this time. “I'll try.” He says giving Jeremy another desperate kiss. Michael's legs are still trembling, but it's worth it to be standing with Jeremy again. “I will never forget you Jeremiah.” Michael says softly. He holds Jeremy close to his chest letting Jeremy hear his heartbeat. “Jeremy...if we beat the odds of the world and ended up together, why can't I beat the odds now?” Michael asks. “I want to do this...but I don't want to do this if you don't support me.” Michael says as calmly as he can looking down at his Jeremy. He runs Jeremy's hair through his fingers feeling his soft curls. “Jer...I mean it. If you don't support me I will live like this for you.” Michael says. “I love you.” Michael kisses Jeremy's hair keeping Jeremy wrapped in his arms...hoping Jeremy doesn't notice the trembling. It takes Michael a lot of strength to stay standing.

Jeremy does notice, and he keeps Michael up. “I support you in anything you chose to do. I may not want to do it myself, and I can't stop thinking of the negativity, but I want you to be comfortable. I don't want you going through pain just to make me happy.” Jeremy says, pulling away just enough to go on his tip toes to kiss Michael's cheek. “I love you too, Michael. Please don't forget me.”

“I won't..” Michael kisses Jeremy again because he's so scared he won't remember the wonderful taste of Jeremy's peachy lips. He takes Jeremy hand and lays back down in the hospital bed. “We are going to make it through this...I just know it.” Michael sighs kissing Jeremy again. The doctor walks into the room.  
“What's your decision Mr.Mell?” The doctor asks.  
Michael looks to Jeremy. He squeezes his hand. “Sir...I'd like the surgery.” Michael says squeezing Jeremy's hand tighter. Michael puts his arm around Jeremy.   
“You understand the risks? Memories lost? Some patients experience more important memories lost than less. Some patients can remember everything except how to walk. Some patients lose memory completely...others it just takes time to come back.”  
“Sir, I understand…I'm ready.”   
“We will have to put you under...and I think your hair might be okay to operate through. The hair will eventually grow over the scar...you only had the SQUIP for a small amount of time so this procedure is an hour or two at tops. When the procedure is done you'll be waken up about five minutes later. We will only let one person see you at a time. They'll question your memory. I'm guessing you want this to be Mr.Heere?”  
“Yes please.” Michael says sitting even closer to Jeremy.   
“I'll be back in a minute to prep you for surgery...say your goodbyes.” The doctor says.  
He exits the room and Michael immediately kisses Jeremy again. Michael is so afraid. He needs Jeremy to say he’ll be okay. That he will remember Jeremy. That he will walk. And then Michael comes up with the only idea he can. “Jeremy, dance with me. I know I'm shaking, but please...I don't know if I'll be able to dance as well as I do now.” Surprisingly Michael's actually a very good dancer. “Please Jer?” Michael asks.

Jeremy smiles. He pulls Michael lightly towards the center of the room. “This is how I thought we'd spend our night. Just not in a hospital room. Still, as long as I'm with you, it's fine.” He looks up at Michael lovingly. “Cause I wanna dance with somebody.” He sings quietly. “I wanna feel the heat with somebody.”

Michael tries not to tense at the song because he just wants to dance with Jeremy. Michael says twirling Jeremy around. “Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody!” Michael sings back to Jeremy. “With somebody who loves me.” He dips Jeremy kissing him on the lips. He brings Jeremy back to a standing position. Even shaking, Michael had moves. The doctor walked back into the room and he sees two boys dancing together.  
“You two really are a sweet couple...and I hate to ruin this moment.” The doctor pauses watching the boys dance together. “Mr.Mell...we are ready for the surgery.” The doctor says almost reluctantly.  
Michael kisses Jeremy again without a care in the world. And he takes Jeremy's hand and returns to his hospital bed. He looks at Jeremy and closes his eyes wanting Jeremy to be the last thing he sees. “I'm ready.” Michael says as a mask is placed over his face. Michael holds Jeremy's hand until he's sound asleep, relishing the memories he may soon forget.

Jeremy loosens Michael's grip on him and leaves the room. He can't watch this, not ever. He's too squeamish. And it's Michael. So he goes and gets terrible coffee from the hospital waiting room machine and sits with Jake and Rich. They're so happy together. They don't have to worry about shit like this. They joke around and tease each other and try to include him, but give up after no responses. Jeremy's so tired. It's only been three hours since Michael came home, but it feels like lifetimes. This hour is passing by just as slowly. He feels so empty. All he can think about is the possibility of Michael not remembering him. He folds his arms on the table and puts his head down, but his mind is feeling too much to sleep.   
“I'll be back.” He mutters, pushing back his chair and grabbing the Cruiser keys. “Just running out and grabbing something. I'll be fine.” He heads out to the car and drives to the nearest phone store that's open at one am. “Hello, sorry to bother you, but do you have any headphones?”

During the surgery Michael sleeps soundly and doesn't feel a thing. He remembers every happy memory with Jeremy. The first time they went ice skating and Jeremy cut his lip on the ice. When Jeremy got his very first gaming console, their first kiss..when Jeremy came out to him. And just Jeremy...just, Jeremy. As Michael is brought out of surgery the mask is taken off and Michael's body stirs but he doesn't move. The doctor goes into the waiting room giving Rich and Jake instructions on what to tell Jeremy do.  
“It's best that Mr. Heere start with Michael's name, and then his own name. Then living places and hobbies. Sometimes music can trigger memories, and sometimes objects...which I'm guessing Mr. Heere figured out. Michael will be awake in ten minutes. After another fifteen minutes of talking we will have to test him for what he can still physically do. If he's cleared...he can go home...and if Mr. Heere is not back in time I'll need one of you two to go talk to Michael.” The Doctor explains, going back to monitor Michael.

Jeremy comes back to the hospital five minutes later, half asleep to find Rich and Jake waiting for him. “Michael's going to be awake in five minutes. Where'd you go?” Jake asked, pulling Jeremy in.   
“Just out. I need to go up to him.” Suddenly, Jeremy feels so awake, a mixture of nerves and excitement. He's going to be awake, he's fine. He's alive. “What do I need to do?” On the way up, Jeremy is briefed on what to ask first.   
He enters the room, scared and unsure. What it it's all gone? All the memories. All the happy times. All the times that shaped them as people.

Jeremy shut the door behind him, sitting in the chair he had just been in an hour ago. Michael's still asleep. Jeremy savors the moment, watching him dream before he has to figure out if it worked or not. Then, Michael's eyes, still beautiful chocolate brown, open. Jeremy clears his throat. “Hey.” His entire face is red. Start with names, he reminds himself. “Do you remember your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave you guys like this, but these things happen. Maybe I'll be kind and post the next chapter in a few days???? Who knows? Anyhow, hope you guys are enjoying. ~ PlayerOneMell
> 
> Hello. I am here, I am Heere, I am queer, and I had no say in this chapter. ~bananneliese


	9. Memory Games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael goes through tests to see if he can still remember him and his life. If he can move like he used. If he can walk. And Jeremy watches....
> 
> Maybe Bob Marley can make these things better.

Michael looks around the room feeling like he's in the wrong place. His head hurts a lot, but he hears Jeremy's question against the pounding. “My name is...Michael George Mell.” He says, without looking at Jeremy directly. 

Jeremy sighs with relief. At least he remembers his own name. “Do you know my name?” His stomach turns in on itself, waiting for Michael's response. 

There's no hesitation. “Your name is Jeremiah Will Heere...preferably Jeremy...I call you Jer.” Michael says almost straining his brain. He looks into Jeremy's ocean eyes and Michael knows. “You're my boyfriend.” 

Jeremy breaks into a giant grin. “You remember me.” His hopes start to rise. “Do you know where you live?”

“I think so..” Michael ponders for just a second because the pain is just unbearable in his head. “I live in a house with you. It's about ten minutes away from here….Jer? We uh...we got the house when were…nineteen?” Michael asks trying to do his best for Jeremy. 

Jeremy nods. “Nineteen. Right. And how old are we now?” He asks, hoping that every question has the right answer.

Michael pauses trying to do the math. “Okay so…” Michael’s hands give a little shake. “We are...twenty two?”

Jeremy nods excitedly. “What city do we live in?” 

“New York City.” Michael’s mind suddenly overwhelms him with memories causing his hands trembling starts to get worse. “I've wanted to move here ever since we were seventeen because I heard things about music here, and it was close to home...and really home is just anywhere you are.” Michael's hands are stinging. “Jer...uh...are you allowed to touch me?” Michael asks knowing Jeremy is testing him. 

Jeremy winces. “I'm not allowed to yet. We have to wait until we're sure your memory’s back. Then they'll test you physically.” Jeremy smiles at Michael. “Believe me, I would if I could. Anyways, where did we originally live?”

“New Jersey.” Michael sighs. “It sucked. Nothing ever happened until you...you uh...there was a thing in your head.” Michael starts tapping his legs with his jittery fingers. “A….aaaa...SQUIP!” Michael says. “Jer...what else do you need to ask? I've got this.” 

Jeremy takes a deep breath. “What do you remember about the SQUIP?” He shuts his eyes, hoping it worked. 

“It...it controls your head...and makes you do things that aren't you...Rich?” Michael asks. “Rich, convinced you.” Michael recalls the story. Jeremy floating through him like a ghost and everything. And then he remembers today. “I stole one from two boys...and...I just did that to get rid of it.” Michael says. “Oh my God...and there's nothing...there's nothing there anymore.” Michael says with relief. 

Jeremy sighs. “Do you remember what happened tonight?” His fingers are crossed so tightly they start to hurt. 

Michael looks at his arms. He nods. “Yes.” Michael says. “I know...I know...you really love me..” Michael remembers everything Jeremy has done for him. “And I really love you...and I feel terrible about this.” Then Michael looks at his legs. “That's from when we were sixteen...my arms are from now.” Michael sighs almost disappointed. “I didn't forget…”

“But do you remember why you did this to yourself?” Jeremy still keeps some hope that just because he knew what they were, he wouldn't remember why. 

Michael knows...and bites his lip. This is exactly what he wanted to forget. “I'm...insecure.” He reads his scar. “I'm a loser?” Michael straightens up remembering the significance of that word in his life. “You called me that in a bathroom…..and now I'm convinced it's true…” Michael shakes it off. “But you don't think that anymore...and I don't want to do that anymore.”

Jeremy feels like he wants to cry. Maybe Michael wasn't completely healed, he was still so close. “Do you remember why you had a relapse tonight?” He asks. 

Michael shakes his head, but then floodgates open. Two boys at work. No promotion. His mom is sick. The boys had a SQUIP. “Yes…” Michael sighs. “But...it was wrong. I shouldn't ever do that.” Michael shakes more. “I had a SQUIP. I was insecure. You...were upset with me…but no matter how bad I get I promised I'd talk to you.” Michael’s shakes are going absolutely crazy. “Jer, tell me it's been fifteen minutes. I need you to hold me.” 

“I think it has been, or close enough to. And if it hasn't, I don't care.” He takes Michael's hands. “They'll do the physical tests next. Since you aced this, you can probably come home.” 

“HOME!” Michael exclaims like its freedom. He intertwined his fingers with Jeremy's. “I can hold onto to you! That has to mean something.” Michael says excited. “I'm so happy I remember you...and me….and everything. I mean…” Michael wipes away a tear. “I didn't wanna remember everything, but I'm remembering you!” Michael is just so overjoyed and it's hard not to be. “I beat the odds.”   
Karen comes in and Jeremy releases Michael's hands and sits back down, not letting the nurse know his hands were in Michael's. “Mr.Mell? We’ll be taking you to a different room to test you physically.” Karen says bringing in a wheelchair. Jeremy and Karen help Michael into it. “You want me to stay with you?” Jeremy asks and Michael nods.

The room was different and had all sorts of room for Michael to move. They started him with just squeezing a ball, then throwing and catching. He poured a glass of water and drank it. They let him hold Jeremy's hand and squeeze it. He writes out sentences. Michael's upper body seemed to be just fine, along with his fine motor skills. Michael's eyes still worked, well as much as they normally do. Then the doctor asks Michael to stand. Jeremy's eyes are full of hope. Jeremy is so happy to see Michael doing so well. But Michael can't seem to get out of his chair no matter how hard he tries.   
“That's all right Mr. Mell. Wheelchairs can be difficult to get out of. Mr. Heere you may help him up...but Mr. Mell has to try to walk on his own.”  
Michael nods. Jeremy comes to help him up. Michael grasps Jeremy's forearms. As Michael stands his legs shake underneath him. Jeremy's hope turns to worry very quickly looking at Michael's feet. “Jer...Jer...don't let go.” Jeremy feels his heartbreak.  
“I have to...you have to walk on your own.” Jeremy says. He doesn’t want to let go of Michael, but he can’t hold on.   
“Okay.” Michael says releasing his grip. Michael goes to take a step forward and falls flat on his face. Michael manages to get back into a sitting position, but Jeremy helps him up the rest of the way. Michael tries to walk again and falls again. This time he's able to swing his legs over letting him at least kneel before Jeremy helps. He repeats this one more time. The doctor takes Jeremy out of the room.  
“This isn't looking good...Mr. Mell seems to have control over his legs, he just can't walk.” The doctor sighs, breaking the news to Jeremy. “He will have to be in a wheelchair until he regains that ability. It might take awhile, and you'll probably have to take it slow. If you can get him to walk while holding onto you, there's hope. This can take days Mr.Heere. It can even take months. Make sure he doesn't push himself and you don't push him. If you aren't careful Michael might never be able to walk again.” The doctor breaks the terrible news. “But..other patients usually suffer must worse than him. Michael is truly blessed to have a perfect memory and everything else. Just the walking...we can send you both home. Goodbye Mr.Heere...and good luck. I can tell you two love each other. Sometimes love is enough.” The doctor says.

In the room Michael is put back into the wheelchair. “Karen, what's going on with Jeremy and the doctor?”  
“He's probably just giving Jeremy instructions on how to help you.”  
Michael feels tears. Jeremy's gonna have to take care of him? That means they'll both be off work for awhile...as awesome that sounds..Michael feels helpless..hopeless..worthless. “Help me?”  
“Well, you can't walk.”  
“The fuck I can!” Michael says, trying to get up.  
“You and Jeremy, was it?” Karen asks and Michael nods. “You are very determined individuals who work well together...tell you the truth Jeremy scares me a bit. He's very protective of you.”  
“Oh you think he's protective? You should see me.”  
“I'm sure it's quite the sight...anyhow, it'll be difficult at first, but Jeremy's going to help. You're going to go home, Jeremy clearly knows how to take care of you without us. He will teach you to walk again.”  
Then it sunk in. Michael feels as useless as he was in that fucking bathroom. He decides not to dwell on it. “Home sounds awesome.” Michael says hoping Jeremy will come back into the room soon. 

Jeremy nods. “I’m just happy he remembers things. And he seems happier. Less anxious.” He takes a deep breath. “Am I allowed to take him home now? Like, right now?” He looked at the clock. Three am.   
“Normally we’d suggest staying overnight, but other than the walking problem, Mr. Mell’s all ready to go. And he does not seem to want to stay.” The doctor smiles at Jeremy. “Good luck, Mr. Heere. I hope you two have a great life together.” He pats Jeremy on the shoulder and heads towards the next room. Jeremy pushes the door open and comes into the room, making his way to Michael. “Hey, Mikey.” 

Karen leaves the room. “Jeremy...I'm broken.” Michael says sadly, with tears in his eyes. “I knew I was a fuck up….can we just go home? It won't be the same but…..I'm sorry...you're right I should've never done this.” Michael regrets, but happy to hear silence in his head. “I want to learn to walk Jeremy. I really do.” Michael sighs. His hands start shaking again. Michael feels like such a disappointment. He was doing so well until the walking came. “I'm so sorry.” Michael’s crying again. He misses being able to tuck Jeremy's head into his chest. He misses being taller than him. He feels so...useless… “I'm just a mistake.” 

Jeremy leans down and kisses Michael’s head. “We’re going home right now. I know you want to walk again, but we have to take it slow. You can’t push yourself too hard, or it’ll all be for nothing.” Jeremy kneels next to Michael. “You’re not a fuck up. You beat the odds! Most don’t have your chance.” He takes his hand and squeezes it. “You’ll be able to do it. I’ll help you through this.” 

Michael kisses Jeremy's cheek. “All right...then let's get out of this hell.” Michael says, still crying, wishing he listened to Jeremy. He doesn't want help here, he did this so Jeremy wouldn't have to watch him suffer anymore. He lets the feeling of being pointless sink into his torso. Michael's hands still shake, but it's just a side effect of his exhaustion. But Michael doesn't want to sleep...Michael wants to be able to walk first. The next thing he knows he's sitting in the passenger seat of the cruiser. Jeremy's usual spot. Michael's silent all the way home, keeping his hurts and hopes inside of him as best he can.

Jeremy kept quiet, not wanting to make Michael talk if he didn’t want to. Soon, he got tired of the silence. He turned on the radio, which either played awful pop music or the same side of a Bob Marley tape that they had gotten stuck in when Michael first had the car. There was no question about it, Bob Marley is better. By this time, they knew all the words. One Love came on, and Jeremy just sits there and listens, waiting for Michael to break the silence.

Michael just keeps his stare...Michael is in a mood. Michael feels too worthless to sing or dance in his seat or do anything at all. There's a wheelchair in the back of the car and it's his. Michael can't help but tap his foot to the beat of he song, which he tries to hide it. He smiles a bit but keeps his head down.

Jeremy glances over at Michael, noticing the small grin on his face. It is one of the first, if not the very first, time he has seen Michael smile this night. “One love! What about one heart? One heart!” He starts to sing, trying to make the smile bigger. 

Michael wonders why Jeremy knows the song so well...and then it hit him. Michael loves Bob Marley and listened to it a lot in the beginning of junior year before...Michael refuses to go through those memories again. But he also refuses to smile. Michael lets his smile fade, and attempts to move his legs. He is able to bring them up to his chest, and shakes as they bend. A shake rips through his body as he tries to place his feet. Michael just curls and grabs his knees. He’s exhausted...and he just wishes this whole night went away. He wishes, as the PT Cruiser pulls up to the house, that he could get out of this car and stand. He continues to tremble.

Jeremy shuts off the music. The sudden silence is almost worse than the song. He pulls to a stop in the driveway, getting out first to pull out the wheelchair. He wheels it around to the passenger door and opens it. “Mikey?” He asks, putting his hand on Michael's shoulder. 

Michael nods, letting Jeremy help into the wheelchair and into the house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! The lovely co-author of this piece? Changed her name. The once bananneliese is now PlayerTwoHeere. I decided to post this chapter for this reason. Two more chapters. The happy ending is coming soon! And if you're wondering? Yes, we have both listened to Bob Marley.  
> ~ PlayerOneMell


	10. Watch Me As I Fall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just because the boys are home doesn't mean that the bad times end. Not even the safety of their own home can keep away their problems.

The house is a mess and Michael remembers everything that's happened. He wishes he could've forgotten that instead of how to walk. “Jer, could you get me my sweatshirt? I'd kinda like to sleep with it...don't wanna look at this.” Michael says looking at his arms. “Please, Jeremy?” Michael asks.“Then we can be all snugly and comfortable in bed...like old times. Red sweatshirt, blue cardigan?” Michael grabs Jeremy's hand. “We can forget about this..or maybe talk for awhile?” Michael's eyes are glistening with tears and he adjusts his glasses so Jeremy can't see. They've been through enough in the past five hours. He should let his love get some sleep.

Jeremy smiles. “That sounds perfect. I'll be right back with that.” He leaves Michael in the living room, grabbing the sweatshirt from the dryer. As he comes back, he tries to clean up some of the mess. He gives up and comes into the living room again, sweatshirt in hand. “Hey Mikey. Here.” He goes to toss it to Michael but decides against it. He hands Michael the sweatshirt. “I'm going to try and pick up in here, okay?” He says, crouching to pick up the broken glass. He doesn't kneel this time.

Michael throws on the sweatshirt, feeling a little more comfortable. Michael rolls himself down the hallway to the stairs. “Wait Jer..I can't exactly get to bed, can I?” Michael says knowing the bedroom is up the stairs. “Maybe I should just sleep on the couch or something.” Michael says knowing Jeremy would struggle to lift him.

Jeremy puts one arm under Michael's knees and the other under his back. “Nope. There's not enough room down there for two.” He lifts up Michael bridal style with surprising strength. Jeremy starts up the stairs, somehow making it up them with only one close mistake.

“You could've just slept in bed, and I could've slept on the couch. You didn't have to do this.” Michael says embarrassed by his blush creeping around his ears. “But..thanks Jer.” Michael says. Michael puts his head into Jeremy chest, hearing his heartbeat. This is the way the night should've gone. Cute moments like this. Not near memory loss and brain surgery. “Thank you.” Michael repeats thankful that his boyfriend is so perfect.

“Now let's get you into bed, I don't want to drop you.” Jeremy says, smiling down at Michael. He loves seeing Michael content. “And after tonight, I'm not letting you out of my sight. Okay?” Jeremy says, heading into their room and setting Michael on the bed.

“I don't really...want to go to bed Jer…” Michael sighs feeling uncomfortable in his own body, it's a new feeling. “I mean...I know you said don't push it...but could we please try walking one last time? Even with me holding onto to you? I understand you might not be ready, and...I'm sorry. I don't want to push you. I just wanna try to be on my feet. Even just stand for awhile. I don't care. I just miss using them…” Michael sighs. “But you look tired. Maybe...maybe we should call it a night.” Michael says trying to sound not too disappointed.

“I'll do it for you. Just for a few minutes, until you feel tired..” He holds out his arms for Michael's hands, taking them in hand. He helps Michael stand up, steadying him. “Just keep your eyes fixed on me and move your left leg forwards slightly. Try walking towards me.”

Michael smiles keeping some of the pressure in his hands. He might not remember how to walk, but being on his feet is just an amazing feeling. He kind of wants to stay like this. Looking at Jeremy, standing with him...holding hands. They really haven't stood like this….well since they were dancing in the hospital room. Dancing, another thing Michael is now going to miss out on. “Okay..” Michael says. He looks down for a moment and then he looks back at Jeremy. He takes a deep breath. “Thanks for doing this, by the way.” Michael says still getting a feel for his feet. He slides his left foot forward causing his entire body to shake. Michael feels chills in his shoulders. He feels almost stuck like this. He looks down and then quickly back to Jeremy. He can't seem to figure out how to get his feet back together. He goes and feels his legs give and ends up kneeling. “Fuck.” He whispers to himself so disappointed. His hands are still in Jeremy's, but he takes his eyes off Jeremy. Michael could probably stand back up, but his heart just aches. He holds back his tears really well. They said it could take time. Jeremy said not to push. Michael just wants to be able to stand on his own. Michael wants to be able to stand at his height and tuck Jeremy into his chest. Michael wants to take Jeremy by the waist and kiss him. Michael wants to be able to dance with Jeremy. Michael just doesn't feel like he's good enough.

Jeremy winces at Michael. “You alright, hon?” He helps him to his feet, supporting his weight and leading him to the bed. “I think you need to rest and take it slow, alright? We'll try again tomorrow.” He gives him a smile, trying to be brave for his boyfriend. “I'll call in sick, spend the day with you. It's my part time shift tomorrow anyways. The kids can practice without me.” Jeremy's drama class was a small group of high schoolers from all around the borough.

That's just the thing, isn't it? Michael doesn't want Jeremy to skip work to help him. Michael doesn't want to go to bed. Michael's afraid if he sleeps, something will happen. Michael's uncomfortable in his own body. He still refuses to look at Jeremy. Michael sits in bed, but doesn't lay down. He sits there. Scared. What if he doesn't remember himself when he wakes up? What if he starts remembering things too much? And then something occurs to Michael, the doctor warned him his nightmares could still last for a few more days. So Michael stays seated. Staring at a wall. “You should go to work Jer, I mean one of us should be working.” Michael says calmly. He looks down at his legs. Disappointed in what's happened. How hard can it possibly be to learn again? How long will it take? Will it ever even happen? Michael's insecurities grow inside of him. Now he felt like a true loser. “Besides, those kids love you, and you always have such a wonderful time. I'll be fine.” He keeps his gaze on his legs. They can move under his control. He just can't balance. He just can't walk. “I can just stay in bed all day until you get home. I keep shit in my night stand anyways for when you get nightmares. Water, food, stuff like that. I'm always prepared for you Jer. Just go to work. I can take care of myself.” Michael's stare doesn't move still, afraid to look at Jeremy.

Jeremy climbs into the bed next to Michael. “Mikey, I can take off one day. It’s okay.” He puts his arm around Michael. “You don’t need to feel so upset. No one can be completely independent all of the time.” Jeremy pulls Michael closer. “You have to realize that you can’t always be alone. Being emotional is fine. It isn’t a weakness.” He pulls Michael close to him.

Michael shivers under Jeremy's touch. “I feel weak.” Michael confesses, still holding back his tears, still not looking at Jeremy. “I feel….I feel useless.” Michael says, sighing. He won't look at Jeremy. He is scared of what he will see in Jeremy's eyes. “I can't...I thought I'd feel better, and I feel worse.” Michael is suddenly not even able to say Jeremy's name. Michael lays down hoping sleep will consume him instead of depression. “You should go to work. I don't need help, really. Go.” Michael says, pushing Jeremy away.

“Mikey, I’ve done whatever you asked all night. But just this one time, I’m going to insist that you do what I ask. Let me stay, one day. Let me take care of you for all the times you took care of me.” Jeremy says. “Remember when I was home with the flu in freshman year, and you skipped because my Dad was too upset to get out of bed? You missed an entire week and got detention for me. I’ve never been able to do that for you. Just let me do it, this one time.”

“Fine.” Michael says turning away from Jeremy. Michael really doesn't want Jeremy around him, but Jeremy isn't going to change his opinion no matter what. Michael looks down at his legs. His breathing gets heavier. A true loser...it's finally happened. The label is true now, more than ever. Michael trembles. He curls into a ball. He expects a voice to tell him what's wrong, but there's nothing but painful silence. Every time Michael inhales he feels like he's inhaling poison.

Jeremy turns over and wraps himself around Michael, spooning him. He feels Michael shivering, and tries to keep him still. “I love you, Michael.” He whispers sleepily. Now that he’s laying down and with Michael, he feels so tired. He can barely keep his eyes open, but he doesn’t want to leave Michael awake and alone.

Michael falls asleep as soon as he feels Jeremy spoon him. As warned, he has a nightmare. He’s taken back to all the horrible memories. The bathroom. Michael looks around standing in his “CREEPS” sweater, then sitting on the bathtub of Jake’s bathroom. He feels the heartbreak and the sorrow and the silence. Jenna calling, and him saying that he’s on his period. He feels all the depression and insecurity consume him. He feels him making fun of a drunk girl by himself. He feels the pressure. The knocking. The panic attack. The hyperventilation. The names. The labels. The everything. Michael shoots up straight in bed. He's sweating. He's shaking. He's crying...and he doesn't see Jeremy. Michael curls into a ball, and puts all the covers above his head not caring what time it is. He sobs a little bit. He feels awful. Like shit. Like a loser. Everything falling to pieces. Feeling like a loser. He was stuck in the bathroom...he felt it all again. He's crying. He doesn't know where Jeremy is.

Jeremy’s in the kitchen, trying to make him and Michael breakfast. He doesn’t think either of them has eaten since early the previous night. Then he hears small sobbing noises from upstairs and drops the pan he was holding, racing up the stairs. He bursts into the room. He sees the bundle of blankets and sighs. “Mikey, I’m here. What’s wrong?” He makes his way over to Michael, seeing the sheets shake with sobs.

Michael's breath is so fast he doesn't even know how to respond to Jeremy. He keeps himself under the covers. “I just...I had a nightmare..” Michael says in between the small breaths of oxygen he can take in. “And you weren't here.” Michael says. He reaches his hand out of the sheets letting to search to find Jeremy's hand. He keeps his other arm clutched tightly to his chest. “Did last night really happen?” Michael asks. “Did...that was all real….my nightmare….” Michael is hesitant to explain through all his sobbing. His hand he stuck out is shaking a mile a minute. Michael's mind wanders. Jeremy's nightmares were worse than his was...but Michael's thoughts are harsher. “Can...I….hyperventilate….myself...to death?” Michael asks still refusing to come out of the sheets, even with how feverish he's feeling. He finally finds Jeremy's hand gripping it tightly. Michael's hand hot with sweat, tears, and panic; Jeremy's hand cold, thin, and has a little food on it from cooking.

  
“I'm so sorry, I thought you'd sleep through it. I didn't mean to leave you.” Jeremy says, gripping Michael tightly. “I promise that I'm always going to be here.” He pulls the sheets down from around Michael's head. “Do you want to come downstairs with me? I'm trying to make breakfast.” Jeremy squeezes his hand. “And I have a gift for you.”

The scared boy whimpers a bit, but he can see the joy in Jeremy's eyes. He turn his head down trying to collect his pain. “Jer….yeah, sure.” Michael says through his sobs, and his breath is slowing again. “Wouldn't it be easier if I just…” Michael swallows some tears. “If I just stayed up here?” Michael asks knowing he doesn't want Jeremy to have to carry him down the stairs, or back up them later. It would be a lot of work for Jeremy, and Jeremy looks exhausted. Michael sighs remembering how damaged he was. Michael feels his scars rub against his sweatshirt, drenched in sweat. His legs don't work. “I mean, you...you, you took the day off, right? So maybe, maybe...just maybe you could just leave me up here? It would keep things easy.” Michael says, still a little panicky. Michael gives Jeremy a good look as he reaches for his glasses with the hand that's not clasped to Jeremy. Jeremy comes into focus and he looks even more tired than Michael imagined. Michael's mind switches over from panic, to protective. “Jeremy, you look exhausted. Are you okay, Player two? Did you sleep last night?” He wipes his tears off quickly hoping Jeremy will stop worrying about the sobbing Michael he just saw. Even though the nightmare hurt Michael badly, this exhausted Jeremy concerned him more. Jeremy only looks this tired when he's not sleeping or had a nightmare.

Jeremy smiled tiredly. “I did, for a while. Didn’t sleep well. I’m alright now, though.” Actually, Jeremy had a nightmare as well. In it, Michael had actually died the night before. Everything came crashing down, and Jeremy was too late. He closes his eyes and the image comes back. He shakes it off, reopening his eyes. He sees Michael’s look. “Seriously, I’m alright. Just… shaken. I don’t mind taking you downstairs. You can play video games if you want, take your mind off of this whole mess.”

“Jeremy, come on. I know there's something else going on with you.” Michael says. Michael, still very weak, sits up. He pulls Jeremy close to his side. “You can't just tell me it's not there. I'm here for you, just as you are here for me.” Michael straightens his legs with as much force as he can leaving them a little bent. “Babe, just tell me.” Babe, another name Michael doesn't say lot. The two of them have been through a lot, so pet names didn't seem too risky for the moment.

Jeremy shakes his head. He’s about to open his mouth with some lie about how he’s okay, but then he remembers his promise he made. That they’d be completely open with each other. “Just nightmares as well. It’s nothing big, I can handle them.” He leans his head on Michael’s shoulders. “We’re both messes, aren’t we?” He gives a small laugh. “But you’re my mess, so I don’t care.”

“Yes Jer, we are both messes. You a very adorable one at that...but as messes we tend to close ourselves off from the world and each other.” Michael looks down Jeremy and starts playing with his hair. “Look, we made that promise Jeremy. I'm not going to let both of us hide our issues and then let things blow up like they did last night.” Michael takes a deep breath, remembering all the pain. “So, I'm not letting you say it's nothing and you can handle it. This is gonna sound cheesy as fuck, but you complete me Player two. I'll tell you what happened in mine...but only if you tell me yours.” Michael says knowing they can't hide things from one another. “Please.” He adds.

“I know what you mean. And I love you so much, Player One.” Jeremy looks down at his hands, and his fingernails start to dig into his palms. “It was everything that happened last night. Everything- the arguing, the shouting, the SQUIP, but I wasn’t able to save you. It was too late, I froze up and I watched you die. I couldn’t even move. I was stuck there and I watched you bleed out onto the floor. You tried to call out to me but you couldn’t speak.” He released his hands and there were small red crescents from his fingernails. “I couldn’t be your hero. I couldn’t rescue you. At the very least I wanted to say goodbye and hold your hand and kiss you, but something was keeping me from moving. You died.” His voice starts to tremor. “Then I realized it was a dream, but I still couldn’t wake up. Because then you got up and you started to speak, but you were still dead. It wasn’t your voice, it was the SQUIP’s. You told me that…” His eyes closed. “That it was all my fault, that you died because of me. You looked like you and moved like you, but you weren’t. You were just the SQUIP in your body. Then I woke up.” He didn’t dare look up at Michael, his mouth dry. “I saw you there, and I thought that leaving you would be better than staying. Because I’ve almost killed you so many times. I didn’t want it to happen again.”

Michael cradles Jeremy in his embrace. “And you said you could handle that?” Michael whispers softly in Jeremy's ear. “Darling, that sounds awful. You could've woken me up. And please don't dig your nails into your hands. It burns...and I can't...I can't watch you bleed in the slightest bit.” Michael’s breath hitches in his throat. “And killing me? No. My prince, you've never nearly killed me. You know it's true, you're warping your view on things. Accidents happen, and sometimes I bring myself to those accidents. I bring myself to an edge...you will never kill me sweetheart.” Michael is just feeling his heart ache with how much he loves Jeremy that he just keeps using pet names. “I promise. Cause we always figure things out. Like when I nearly crashed the Cruiser...and you flipped out...but we were okay...and even in the times I've cut before and you've caught me? You saved me. You'll always be my hero honey.” Michael sighs. “And Jer-bear...if you really want me to live? Never leave me. Cause if you do...you know what I'd do. You've seen me do it.” Michael sighs sensing the scars rubbing against the fabric of his sweatshirt, still feeling somewhat fresh. Jeremy's nightmares were always worse….always. “This isn't your fault.” Michael says softly looking to Jeremy's hands. He kisses above the crescents, kissing the most vulnerable part of his boyfriend. “And I'm not going anywhere. I'm not dying anytime soon.” Michael says, trying to get comfortable with the way he scooped up Jeremy. Michael’s still uncomfortable in his body, but a little more secure with Jeremy in his arms. “Baby, You'll never kill me.” Michael lets out a sigh realizing what he has to say next, wondering why he agreed to this hell. “Now, I guess it's my turn to share what happened in my head?” Michael lets Jeremy settle into his chest, making Michael feel even more secure in his broken body that he's a held as prisoner to.

Jeremy sighs. The only thing keeping him from breaking down is just being with Michael. It is always that way, even when they were kids. Even though he could think of reasons why what his boyfriend is saying isn’t true, he keeps quiet, not wanting to make Michael feel any worse. He just sits there and listens to Michael’s heartbeat. “You don’t have to talk right now if you don’t want to.” He whispers into Michael’s chest. “We can just lay here until you feel well enough to talk.”

“Darling, if you don't think you can handle it, I will stay silent.” Michael says. “But don't worry...I'll tell you so it doesn't get stored like I tend to do with everything else.” Michael says. Michael can tell his boy is broken. He kisses his head. “If you have more to say, I will listen to you Jer-bear.” He smiles. “Whatever you need.”

“I’m done. I’m okay.” Jeremy says, keeping his eyes closed. “I don’t want you to bottle it all up. Just let it all out.” He opens his eyes, rubbing his thumb over the fingernail markings.

“You're clearly not okay...but I'll talk.” Michael says taking Jeremy's hand knowing that he's going to lose his own sanity saying all of this. “I’m not sure if this can be classified as a nightmare because it was real.” Michael says, trying to stay calm because Jeremy is still lying on his chest. Michael keeps his breath steady so he doesn’t scare him. “It’s more of a flashback...to...to what I really feel like I am now.” Michael starts to lose it. His voice is shaking as he tries to keep his breathing for Jeremy. “I um...I remember thinking about it before I slept. How...I’m truly a loser now with this whole walking situation. And so I fell asleep when you wrapped yourself around me. It was comforting me...but I felt...feel like a real loser now. And I was taken back to the bathroom. I know you don’t know exactly what happened while I was alone, but let me try to paint you a picture.” Michael speaks, starting to pick up the speed his lungs. He doesn’t let Jeremy go. He pulls him closer. “I thought if I disappeared nobody would notice at all. I was just some creeper in a bathroom because you left me alone. Made my nightmare a reality. And the feelings rushed into me.” Michael feels floodgates open and his hands shake. “I told Jenna I was on my period so she couldn’t come in. I felt heartbroken. I felt like...a loser. I had nothing and didn’t feel up to it to even pretend to have a good time! I made fun of a drunk girl by myself. And I….I was just Michael in the bathroom by himself. Then there was knocking and I felt this pressure inside me.” Michael gestures to himself. His body getting tense and sweaty again. “The pressure just exploding. And I woke up after I really got to my breaking point...hyperventilating and labeling myself. It’s the first time I ever admitted I wanted to die. The first time I really wanted to hurt myself.” Michael is having too many problems at once. “I’m sorry Jer. Your nightmare was so much worse than mine.” Michael tries to calm himself down. He can tell Jeremy is very fragile right now, and doesn’t want to break him. He’s afraid with his confession that it might be too late.

Jeremy opens his mouth, closes it. “I left you alone, it was all my fault. I was the one that called you a loser. But you have to realize that, that Jeremy wasn’t me. I was so caught up in the idea of the SQUIP, it made me believe that you were a problem. If I had known that you thought that because of me, I would have reached into my brain and ripped the damn thing out right then.” Jeremy grabs onto Michael’s shirt to keep him from pressing his nails into his hands again.

Michael knows what he’s about to say is going to hurt Jeremy, but he’s been keeping it in too long. “It was off in the bathroom Jeremiah.” Michael says angrily as tears roll down. “I love you...but it was off. It was you.”

Jeremy sits back, getting off Michael. “The only reason it was off was because I was drunk. I was so stupid, I know that. But I wasn’t in my right mind, even with the SQUIP malfunctioning. It made me believe that it was right, even when it was gone. I thought that would make me feel alright, that you brought me down, because of the SQUIP.” Jeremy stands. “I never would have said that before, I swear.” His voice cracks with emotion. It’s too early for this, he thought they’d be okay.

“Before. If you never had a SQUIP! Believing it was true? Believing I was your problem?” Michael could hear the pain in his voice. “Of course it's true, Jeremy.” Michael mumbles. He swings his legs over the bed temporarily forgetting he's disabled. “But that's...I know you don't...you don't mean it now. Now it's just me in my issues. I do get scared though, that it's gonna come back and take you away again.” Michael stands up, all by himself. “That you won't be able to see me again.” Michael’s legs shaking below him. “But...that's all in my head. I just know that the SQUIP is still in yours. Jeremy, I know you're here now, I know...I just...get scared. I get hurt.” Michael tries to take a step and falls. “FUCK! I forgot.” Michael says in more pain than he already is in. Michael tries to get up on his own but falls again hearing his ribs bang against the floor. He squeaks, giving up on himself, feeling prisoner to his insecurities once again. “Sorry Jeremy...just...you triggered me. I should've said that before...before I said all those things.” Michael says. He doesn't ask for help knowing he doesn't want it, nor deserve it.

Jeremy can't just leave him on the ground. “Michael, I'm sorry. I just fucked it up again.” He helps Michael back up and into bed. He feels like if he touches Michael, he'll shatter. Jeremy's already made him crack, he can't break him entirely. He only touches him lightly, making sure not to hurt him at all. But as soon as he lets go, he hears it again. _He thinks you hate him now. You blame it all on me, but you know it's your fault. You know you're a failure._ Jeremy can't look at Michael anymore. He squeezes his eyes shut. He repeats the mantra he always says in his head again and again. Then, he says it aloud on accident. “...the loudest one is mine…”

“Jeremy, honey, look at me. This isn’t your fault. I don’t care what that thing is saying to you.” Michael says knowing that Jeremy still has problems. “I love you. I know you know that. You are my everything.” Michael says. Michael doesn’t know what to do. There’s more red in the basement, but he can’t get to it. “Jeremy, go to the basement, get the red.” Michael says calmly. “I’ll stay here. I promise.” Michael says. He needs Jeremy to be okay, and he needs Jeremy to be him. Michael didn’t mean to do this to his boy. “I mean it. Go.” Michael says.

“I'm fine.” Jeremy whispers. His eyes are still shut. “I can deal with it.” His eyes open and look up at his boyfriend. “But if you want me to, I'll go get it.” He insists in his head that he's fine, that he can do this, that he can be brave for his love. Then as soon as it's going fine he's slammed with it, and it all comes crashing down. He heads downstairs and grabs a bottle of Mountain Dew. Then he remembers the last time he held one of these. Thirty seconds of torture. He breaks open the seal and downs it. He forgot the pain. He feels his head burn. It isn't as bad as the first time, but it's still awful. He catches himself on the fridge door and takes a deep breath. Jeremy straightens and heads upstairs, back to Michael.

Michael's panicking a bit with Jeremy out of the room. He doesn't like that he can't help. Michael carefully rolls himself out of bed. He crawls over to his wheelchair. He uses all the strength in his upper body to climb into it and wheels himself as close to the stairs as he can without fear of falling. “Jeremy! Can you hear me?” Michael asks. He sees Jeremy stumble to the bottom of the stairs. “Buddy, you gotta come up here. I can't go down to you. Jeremy. I'm right here.” Michael says longing to walk down to his boyfriend. “Come on Jer, I love you, and I believe in you.” Michael says as sweetly as he can, hiding his hands feeling them shake.

Jeremy nods silently. This is why he hates drinking it. It always makes him woozy and his headache is painful as fuck. “J-just the aftereffects.” He says, as loudly as he can through gritted teeth. “I'm fine.” He looks up. His head's still throbbing, and he feels more clumsy than usual. He hears his stuttering and waits for the SQUIP to call him out. Nothing. That's normally how this worked, he's almost completely normal but any one tiny thing can set him off. He can walk though, and can navigate the stairs. He makes it up to the top and presses his lips to Michael's cheek. “I'm okay.”

The boy in the wheelchair pulls the pale boy into his lap. “I'm proud of you.” Michael says kissing his cheek. “Did I tell you how brave you are that you live like this?” Michael asks. “You're so strong Jer. It's just another thing that makes you perfect.” Michael sighs. “Do you wanna go lie down or do you wanna go have a beautiful breakfast you made us...which I think you dropped some of?” Michael says, recalling hearing a pan fall as he was sobbing earlier. “What do you need, my prince?”

“I think I need to just sit for a moment.” He sits on the top step, his hands behind him. “I'm not as brave as you think I am. I try to be, and while outside try to stay calm and collected, inside I'm terrified. But you give me hope and optimism and courage just by being here. You keep me moving, you keep me pushing.” Jeremy smiles up at Michael. “You keep me alive, amore.” He stands up. “Do you want to come downstairs with me? Or do you want me to bring you breakfast in bed.”

He thinks about it. He looks at his woozy Jeremy...but he knows what he wants. “Jer…” Michael starts slowly like he's asking for a trillion dollars. “If it's not too much to ask...I wanna be downstairs with you...You don't have to if you don't feel up to it. I can comically roll down the stairs for your entertainment.” Michael laughs, trying to get Jeremy to smile after the morning they've had.

Jeremy gives a small laugh. “I appreciate the joke, but please don't. I'll help you down.” He stands up, holding out his arms. “Your Majesty.” He says, with a false posh accent. Always the dramatic one, Jeremy is. He grins at Michael. He's still got a headache, but it's alright. He can deal with it if Michael's there.

Michael bits his lip remembering how helpless he felt when Jeremy has to help him like this. When they reach the bottom Jeremy goes back and retrieves the wheelchair. “Thank you, sorry.” Michael says as if it's going to be some kind of routine. He wheels himself into the kitchen. He smiles. “Jeremy, you really did all of this?” Michael says in amazement. It isn't huge or anything, just more effort than Michael thought. “Have I told you I love you?” Michael asks smiling. He looks up to Jeremy, missing looking down, but he's starting to get used to it...which makes Michael more uncomfortable.

Jeremy flushes and rubs his neck. “I made you breakfast. What, did you think I was going to hand you a bowl of cereal and call it a day?” It is only a basic breakfast- eggs, toast, sausage. “I would've done more, but there wasn't much in the fridge.” He says.

“I can't believe you did this.” Michael says, almost embarrassed. “Half the time we don't even eat breakfast around here….well I don't.” Michael smiles. Michael usually sleeps in a lot, and Jeremy gets up much earlier than him. He seriously hates working morning shifts, but Michael won't have to work for awhile because of his incident. “This is beyond perfect, Jeremy.” Michael looks at his blushing boy. “I'd kiss you, but it takes a lot of effort to get over there and for once you're just too tall.”

Jeremy laughs. “Don't get used to it. You'll be up and walking in no time. Then it'll be like it always was.” He smiles at Michael, making his way towards him. “Just because you're shorter than me for a bit doesn't mean you can pull a Rich and call me tall ass.” He kisses Michael.

“First of all, just for once I'd totally call you that. Second of all, used to this? Jer, do know how much this is killing me?” Michael asks. “Look, tall ass, I don't know how to express this to you. I just don't. So let's have a nice breakfast, another unusual thing, and ignore the fact that I'm a freak.” Michael says rolling away from Jeremy. “I gotta say I can make sassy exits like this.” Michael tries to make a joke, leaving his insecurities behind again.

Jeremy rolls his eyes. “I gave you too many ideas. And I know you can make some sassy entrances too.” He smiles and winks at Michael. At least they're trying to keep it light. He sets a plate in front of Michael and sits across from him. “What do you want to do today? I'll need to read over some things for my kids, but other than that, I'm free. We can play Apocalypse of the Damned if you want.”

“Whatever I want?” Michael asks, looking up from his food that he hasn't even touched. Michael's in a mood of he doesn't deserve food, and he's too excited to eat. “Apocalypse Of the Damned sounds compelling….but I think...you know what I want to do.” Michael says, smirking. “And it's not about that time we shot gunned on our bean bags, although that was a magical time. We should really do that again.” Michael raises his eyebrows. “Anyways! I think you know I want to walk by now, tall ass.” Michael laughs. “I'll stop now, but walking?” Michael asks knowing it's probably not going to happen.

Jeremy's face gets very red when Michael smirks at him. “O-oh you mean walking. I totally thought you meant walking.” He stutters, feeling flushed. He runs his fingers through his hair, trying to resist the urge to do a pushup. One of the more embarrassing effects of the SQUIP. “Give me a minute.” He does a pushup, then gets up, face still red. “Yes. Walking. You should eat first.”

“Umm...okay?” Michael says, almost confused. “Is this one of those side effects I don't wanna know about?” Michael asks. He agrees to eat some of his food, but he's definitely seen Jeremy do something like this before...Then Michael drops his fork. “WAIT! Jeremy!” Michael exclaims. “Okay, I'm not eating, that's too funny. Besides, after throwing up last night my stomach still feels touchy.” Michael sighs. “Can we just get this disappointment over with?”

Jeremy hides his face behind his hands. “I didn’t mean to. You really should eat first.” He mutters. “But fine. I'll help you. Maybe spend fifteen minutes trying until you get it?” He asks, trying to keep cool.

“Yeah...I'm starting to doubt it'll happen.” Michael sighs. “Jer, you don't have to be embarrassed. We've both thought about it before. You know that.” Michael says, imaging of how intense Jeremy's push up would have been if they've ever actually done anything of the sort. It's a wonder why Jeremy is so passionate with the push ups, neither of them had ever done anything at all, with anyone. “Jer, seriously.” Michael says, looking at Jeremy's face grow in color. Michael wheels himself to the side of the table Jeremy is on, and takes his hands off his face. “Jer, it's okay. Can we try to walk, please?” Michael asks, smiling at how adorable Jeremy looks. His blush accents his freckles in a beautiful way and Michael feels a blush creep up his neck.

“I know, I just-” Jeremy bites his lip and nods. “Yeah, let's do it in the living room. And you'll get it. Maybe sleep will have helped.” He widens his eyes, looking at Michael's face. He can't help it. “I mean, not it. Walking.” He groans. “Sorry, got bad things on the brain.” He gives a small laugh.

Michael smirks at his boyfriend and wheels himself into the living room remembering what had happened in it last night and almost cringes. “Jeremy, you're just being human.” Michael says putting his hood up to hide the fact he's sharing thoughts with Jeremy. “Get over here so I can fall on my face, would you?”

“You're not going to fall, Mikey. I won't let you this time.” Jeremy says, coming into the room. He holds out his hands to Michael. “You can do this.” He says, trying to psyche him up. “If you get through five minutes without falling, I'll-” Jeremy thinks of something to reward him with. “I'll let you have the good controller for Apocalypse. The one without the finicky joystick.”

Michael laughs at the word joystick still thinking of said “bad things.” He takes his hood off. He takes Jeremy's hands. Jeremy helps Michael up and Michael's legs start shaking. Michael has completely lost faith in himself, and he can tell. A tear rolls down his face. “Jeremy, I'm not gonna be able to do this. There's no way. I want to, but I just don't think so.” Michael is letting his insecurities grow inside of him. “Jeremy.” Michael's trying not to let his doubts best him. “J-J-Jeremy.” Michael's voice is shaking, and he's never stuttered before in his life. Instead of walking, Michael takes Jeremy into his arms holding onto him. His legs still shaking.

“You can do this. You can, I know you can.” Jeremy says, holding Michael close. He knows that he's nervous. Jeremy's never heard Michael stutter. “Come on, Mikey. Just try putting one foot in front of the other.” Jeremy pulls away, slightly. “Take your time, just try to take two steps.”

“Okay.” Michael says quietly, letting Jeremy to be more distant that he can attempt to walk. Michael’s still worried, he can barely balance right now. Unable to pick up his foot, he slides one forwards. “One...Jeremy, I still don’t know how to get back on two feet.” Michael says looking at Jeremy. His legs start shaking worse, giving a hint that they’re tired. Michael tries to move his right foot, but it’s almost non-responsive. Michael moves the grip he has on Jeremy, moving his hands to Jeremy’s elbows. Tears start to stream more freely. With the new leverage, Michael gets his right to meet his left. “Holy Fuck.” Michael says. Michael realizes most of the problems are in his right foot. He notices as he has trouble sliding it forward. He looks down to his feet and then back to Jeremy. “Jeremy…” Michael blinks and he’s taken back to the hospital room where Jeremy had to let go of him. Michael starts to drag his left foot, but he feels himself lose balance. He rolls his ankle trying not to fall. He can feel pain shoot through his right foot and hisses a bit at the pain. His feet still aren’t together, but his legs are shaking and he’s starting to fall.

Jeremy feels so proud of his boyfriend. “Its progress!” He says. Then Michael starts to fall. He grabs Michael around the waist and pulls him up to meet him. “We can practice more later if you need to. Maybe try miming walking while sitting? Try to get your right foot responsive.” They're so close to each other now.

Michael can feel pain in his right foot. “No...Jeremy...I want to do this.” Michael says staying close to Jeremy. “I can't but I want to.” Michael says. Michael doesn't want to sit down because he could possibly be doing that for the rest of his life. He could stay standing close to Jeremy like this forever. “One more time Jer….I can't live like this.” Michael's definitely crying now.

“Don't cry, you'll get it.” Jeremy reaches out and wipes away Michael's tears, keeping a tight grip on his waist. “It takes time to recover. I know you can't, but you can't push too hard. One more time, try just lifting one leg at a time and putting them down. I've got a good hold on you.” Jeremy says, looking into Michael's dark brown eyes.

Michael nods. “Okay…” He sighs. “I'm just scared it'll never happen if I don't try. If I don't keep trying, it'll never happen. If I keep falling..” Michael's trying to stop crying. “Just...okay.” Michael swallows his tears, and possibly his pride. “I don't know if I can lift my feet Jer...but I'm...I have to….” Michael's still shaking pretty bad. He remembers tapping his feet in the car, and he remembers Bob Marley. Michael looks down his left foot and taps it on the floor. Then remembers that he was able to bend his legs. Michael bends his left leg just fine...but then remembers he has trouble straightening. He gives it a shot and he feels the leg shake. He slips again. “I'm just helpless… Jer, I'm pointless.” Michael says quietly. He feels negativity consume him, and he slips further away from Jeremy. He closes his eyes seeing horrific images. “I'm gonna be stuck like this.” Michael whispers to himself, crying harder, feeling his uselessness get the best of him. Slowly slipping out of Jeremy's arms.

Jeremy lets Michael down gently, kneeling with him on the floor. “You should take it slow.” He says, pulling Michael close. “You're not worthless. You're just… stuck at a level of a game, and you need to acquire a new skill to beat it. Or relearn how to do it. But you can beat the level. Just as long as we work as a team, if we have each others back.” He whispered into Michael's ear. “We both need to destress. Let's bash some zombie heads.”

Michael shakes his head, he doesn’t deserve to bash zombie heads together. His stomach feels queasy from the little breakfast he ate. Then he feels it tug. He looks at Jeremy with urgency. “Bathroom Jeremy.” Michael manages to get out. “Now.”

Jeremy nods and scoops Michael up. He was kind of expecting this, which is why he took off. He knew Michael would have mood problems, heightened insecurities, inability to keep food down, both from his own experiences and what the doctor had told him last night. He set Michael on the bathroom floor, which still had a stain on it. Jeremy had tried to cover it with a rug, but it was too big. Jeremy tries not to look at it.

Michael, of course throws up from the small amount of food he had. “I told you I shouldn't have eaten anything.” Michael sighs with exhaustion. He runs his fingers through his hair which is somehow still standing up. He wraps his arms around his middle. Michael notices the stain on the floor. He puts his fist in his mouth and yanks it out quickly, causing himself to throw up again. “What kind of person am I?” He questions.

Jeremy takes Michael’s hand, not wanting to make him throw up again by hugging him, but wanting him to know that he was there and he cares. “You’re a wonderful person. You’re just going through a rough time. You’ll get better with time.” He squeezes his hand. “And even if you don’t, I’ll be here to help you along the way.”

“You sure about that? You can watch me hurt myself over and over? I don't mean to it just happens. Something comes over me...I can't live like this Jeremy. I just can't.” Michael let's his back lean on a wall, the coldness touching his hot neck. “I should've listened to you. I should have. I should have fuckin listened to you. Why didn't I just listen to you? I'm stuck like this. Broken. Possibly forever?” Michael keeps the tears out of his voice; the tears stain the soft skin on his face. “Jeremy I can't ask you to watch me suffer. I can't stand watching you to see if there's new scars or burns. To see if the old ones are gone yet.” Michael's shaking somehow gets worse. If the shaking worsened it would probably look like he was having a seizure. Michael feels exhausted, but something is eating away at his heart. “I hurt so much Jer….” Michael pauses and hears his phone go off in another room. “That's my brother’s text tone...Jeremy I can't look at that text. It's probably about my mom I just..” Michael let's his break down encompass him. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall. Horrific images of nightmares and memories clash against his eyelids, but he refuses to open them. Pain simmers inside of Michael.

“Michael. You are not going to be stuck like this. You’re going to practice, and we aren’t going to give up. And I’d be a huge fucking hypocrite if I said I’d leave over you being broken.” Jeremy laces his hand through Michael’s. All he wants to do is stop Michael from hurting. If he could take the pain away from Michael, he would do it in a heartbeat. He hears the phone and winces. If anything could make Michael worse, that sound was it. “Do you want me to check it?” He asks quietly, watching Michael’s face.

How do you respond something like that? News about your sick mother and he can't decide if he wants to hear or not because his break down is just that bad. He slowly opens his eyes letting tears just flow instead of fighting them. “Jer..” His voice croaks. It's his mother. He's dreading it. He doesn't want Jeremy to leave him in the bathroom. He doesn't want Jeremy to let go. But dread starts seeping in with his panic. Michael is worried his lungs will give out soon with all the hyperventilation. “Yes.” He nods. “Check it...but please come back quick…” Michael feels his heart burn. His chest contracts with static. “Please.” Michael's voice getting weaker with every word.

Jeremy gives Michael’s hand one last squeeze and stands. “I’ll be right back.” He says, heading into the living room where Michael’s phone sits on the coffee table. He reaches for the phone hesitantly. He doesn’t want to be the one to tell Michael that his mother’s worse. What if it’s telling him about her death? Jeremy doesn’t want to be the first to know. Michael’s mother had always been like a second mother, a better mother to him. He takes a breath, heart pounding, and opens Michael’s phone.

**Jackson:** Hey Michael, news on mom...she's home. She has been put on oxygen so her lungs are at least supported. They said she's got a year left to live...at the most. Sorry bro. Hope to see you soon. Tell Jeremy we all say Hello.

Michael's worried that Jeremy hasn't come back into the bathroom yet. He doesn't call out because of how weak he feels, but if Jeremy's still out there, this news must be absolutely terrible.

Jeremy takes a deep breath. At least Michael’s mother held on this long. He heads back to the bathroom, where Michael’s still in the same position. “Mikey?” He says quietly. “It is news on your mom.” Michael is almost unresponsive. He doesn’t open his eyes, but just nods. Jeremy can tell he’s bracing himself for the worst, and decides to tell him the good news first. “She’s back home. She’s on oxygen, but she’s home.” After almost seven years on life support, on and off medications, and in and out of hospitals, she’s home.

“Is that all?” Michael asks, almost not wanting to know. He opens his eyes to see Jeremy and winces a little. Jeremy's face did not look good. “Jer?” Michael's tears are now evident in his voice. His breakdown is trying to regain its grasp, but Michael tries to stay in reality. He has to know.

“But…” He takes a breath in and out before he responds. “She has a year. At most.” He sees the heartbreak in Michael’s eyes. “I’m sorry, love. I know it’s hard, possibly the hardest thing to process.” He slips his hand back into Michael’s. “We can visit as soon as you’re well and walking.”

“Fucking walking Jeremy?” Michael’s breathing is out of control. His skin feels cold against the hot ball of lead that is his insides. “Jeremy...that’s really shitty. What if she-” Michael gulps down his depression. He thinks of all the time in his life that his mom might miss. Jeremy and him getting married being one of them. His mom was so thrilled when they started dating. Michael feels his heartbreak in his eyes and he starts sobbing now. He brings Jeremy close into him. He sobs into Jeremy soaking his shoulder with tears. Their hands still interlaced in between their chests, one arm around one another. Michael just let’s everything out in his sobs feeling what’s left of his all ready broken heart get torn into shreds.

Jeremy holds Michael close. He never wants to let him go. They might just have to spend the rest of their lives like this. Jeremy wouldn’t mind if they did. “Just let it all out, Mikey. We’re going to be okay. We’re going to get to see her, because you’re going to walk. You’re going to see your mother, and you’re both going to be alive and well.”

Michael lets his sobs dampen Jeremy's cardigan. “Fine.” Michael sniffles. He pulls away enough so he can look at Jeremy in the eyes. “Again Jeremy.” Michael's still sobbing. He rubs his eyes viciously trying to make the tears go away. “We have to do it again. I have to keep trying. Jeremy please.” Michael's talking quickly, almost at the speed of light. Michael feels a tensity in his chest. His head is pounding with pain. “Just one more time. Then we can take a break. Once.”

Jeremy smiles shakily. He needs to be brave for his Michael. “We can try again, but you can’t push too hard. You could lose everything. But yes, we will try and try again.” He gets up and helps Michael to his feet. “And again, until you get it.”

With Michael's entire body shaking it isn't so abnormal that his legs are shaking. Stepping or sliding? He wonders this to himself. Michael decides to switch for each side. He slides his right foot forward and feels the pain from the way he twisted it earlier. He slides the foot back, not allowing himself to go forward. “Heh...right isn't so strong.” Michael mumbles. He decides to step with his left, still weak from sobbing, he shakily puts it down. He slides his right to meet it. “I didn't just do that.” Michael says in disbelief. He got himself to step on his left foot, and not fall. “That didn't just happen.” Michael is shocked.

Jeremy grins up at Michael. “You did it Mikey! You actually did it!” He’s so happy. “I knew you’d get it!” His grip on Michael tightens, and they’re almost out the bathroom door. “Try getting out of the bathroom. You can do it, I believe in you.” Making sure to keep Michael steady, he gives him a small kiss on the nose. He would have done it on the forehead, but going too high would make both of them fall over. He feels Michael’s face go slightly red and smiles. “One more step.”

“One?” Michael asks. His voice is still creaking with tears. Crystal orbs fall on his face. What had powered Michael to get this far? After stepping mostly with his left he attempts his right. He whimpers as he feels himself slip. He winces placing his left foot forward as quickly as he can but completely loses balance. He slowly lowers himself to his knees. He keeps his head down and his grip Jeremy. He lets out another sob. He sits in the doorway of the bathroom, letting his grip of Jeremy go. He buries his face in his hands. His emotions are getting the best of him.

Jeremy kneels by Michael. “It’s still progress.” He says. “It’s not going to happen immediately, you need to take your time. We’ll practice, and practice. You’ll get it.” He reaches out to touch Michael but draws back. He sees his own hand shaking through blurry eyes and wipes away the tears quickly. It isn’t his place to cry. His pain at the moment is nothing compared to Michael’s. “I promise, we’ll get it. Think of it, yesterday you couldn’t walk at all. After practicing just a little, you’re taking steps already. You’re going to be walking before you know it.” His voice is remarkably steady. Jeremy’s hands have stopped shaking mostly.

“Yesterday I **could** walk. Yesterday I never had a SQUIP in my mind. **Yesterday** I didn't have scars on my arms.” Michael keeps his face in his hands. He's still crying and he just doesn't want this. “Yesterday we were fine. Yesterday I could go to work. Yesterday I had good pair of headphones that work!” Michael feels his emotions bubble and blend together to create anger. His blood boils.

Jeremy remembers something. “Well, I can fix one of those problems. I’ll be right back.” He runs into the kitchen and grabs a plastic grocery bag. “While you were asleep after your surgery, I couldn’t handle being in that damn hospital anymore. I had to get out. So I got you a gift.” He reached into the bag and pulled out a pair of white headphones. “They’re not exactly the ones you had, but here.” He held them out hopefully.

Michael peaks his eye out through his slightly spread fingers. “Are you serious?” He mumbles with a smirk through his hands. He reaches out a shaking hand and takes them from Jeremy. He secures them around his neck. “Thanks Jer..” Michael's blood cools down a bit. The labels still on the ears, just a little different cord. Michael doesn't mind, they're almost the same. He goes back to putting his face into his hands. He just wants to feel safe, like his normal self. As normal as Michael can get that is.

Jeremy smiles slightly. At least he did something right, solved one of Michael’s problems. “What do you want to do? We can do anything you want. Only one requirement: it does not involve staying in this bathroom all day.” Jeremy says sternly. He normally hates ordering Michael around, but he knows he’ll do nothing and not make any decisions unless he’s forced to.

“I don’t know.” He sighs. “Wanna have sex?” Michael says jokingly wanting to watch Jeremy do another push up. Michael is laughing a bit on the inside. Hanging out with Jeremy for a whole day and nothing to do? Why not crack some jokes?

Jeremy’s eyes widen and his face goes completely red. “Michael, it’s not funny!” He does one anyways, because it’s not even worth fighting it anymore. He flips Michael off, a grin on his face. “If you abuse this power all day, I’m going to work and leaving you home alone.”

“I kind of want you to go to work and if this gets you to go.” Michael smirks and raises his eyebrows. “It is kinda fun.” Michael is just trying to cheer up. He can tell Jeremy is not happy. “Hey, I love you and all your weird quirks.” Michael says. His tears are off his face. “Oh my shit…” Michael’s depression hits him over the head suddenly. “I was just thinking about….Jeremy, if I can’t walk we won’t get to go ice skating like we do every year on Christmas Eve! And the first day of Chanukah!” Michael sighs. “Sorry, all of this is slowly coming to me...first walking, dancing, and now ice skating! This is so uncool. Are you sure there’s nothing we can do to speed up the process of making my feet actually function like they should?” Michael asks, looking at Jeremy with hope.

“I was just kidding about going to work. I'm not going to leave you home alone like this.” Jeremy sighs. “I don't know, Mikey. We just need to wait, and practice. Anyways, Chanukah doesn't start for a few days yet. I'm sure you'll get it by then. If not, we'll just do something else.” He smiles at Michael. “But I'll look for something. Give the doctor a call, maybe. See what he says.”

“Thanks Jer.” Michael says, smiling. He's thinking about ice skating. He has been trying to teach Jeremy for years and he's still shaky. Michael is really good ice skating...at least he was. He can't imagine Jeremy trying to teach him to ice skate. “Seriously...thanks for doing this.” Michael's embarrassed of himself. Still uncomfortable in his prison of dysfunctional legs.

Jeremy takes his hands. “Of course, Mikey. I love you.” He says. “So, jokes aside, what do you want to do? Do you want to sleep?” Jeremy starts to get to his feet, helping Michael to his as well. “I can carry you if you want, or get your wheelchair.” That is never a sentence Jeremy ever thought he'd say to Michael.

Michael doesn't like the sound of it either. “Can I just stay here for awhile? I know you said not the bathroom all day...but just for a little bit? You can go read for your kids or whatever or call the doctor. I just kinda wanna stay here and think. Maybe try eating something again later? I just need a minute. A lot has happened in those past few minutes.” Michael gives a weaker smile.

Jeremy looks down at him. “Michael…” He shuts his eyes. “I don’t want you to be hurt. I’m worried that if I leave, something will happen and I won’t be here to help. Just like…” Just like last time. He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes again. “If I do leave, you need to keep your phone on you. Keep me updated. Don’t make any stupid decisions.”

“Okay.” Michael says, taking his phone from Jeremy. and connecting it to his headphones that are now hanging around his neck. Jeremy walks away, leaving Michael in the doorway of the bathroom which is a rather safe place if he does need to throw up again. Michael feels his head fall softly on the bathmat and his eyes close slowly. Michael let’s himself drift to sleep on the bathroom floor. He’s exhausted.

Jeremy heads upstairs, leaving Michael alone. He takes out his phone and the business card he had picked up from the hospital’s front desk. He plays with the card for a moment, wondering if this is a good idea. He punches in the number, but the line is busy. He hangs up and sighs. Jeremy sits at his desk, pulling his kid’s papers to him- monologues they’d written themselves about anything.

The boy sleeps peacefully on the bathroom floor cozy. A few painfully shocking memories cross his mind. About an hour or so he wakes up. Michael puts a hand to his head. He suddenly can’t remember where he is...where is he? He can’t seem to remember much with his head pounding like it is. He can only remember one thing. “Jeremy?” He calls out as loudly as he can with his voice croaking from exhaustion.

Jeremy jerks his head up from his papers. Literally, he has just fallen asleep on them. He hears his name and stands. “Michael!” He runs downstairs and into the bathroom. “Michael, what's wrong?” He asks frantically. “Are you okay?”

Michael's memory is blurry. “Wait..I'm Michael? That's right…” Michael's memory has gone a little fuzzy. “Jer..Jeremy?” He asks. “Where am I?” He asks quickly. He can't remember where he fell asleep. He can't remember much at all.

“You're in our bathroom.” Jeremy looks at Michael's hair, his sleepy eyes and rumpled clothes. “Did you sleep on the floor? Mikey, that's not sanitary or comfortable.” He comes into the room. “If you wanted to sleep, you could have just asked me to move you to the couch.”

Michael makes a sharp blink. He rubs his hands. “Oh my god...that's right. Oh shit Jer, I'm sorry. My mind just blanked….oh...jeez.” Michael's head felt heavy. “Could we maybe fix my hair? I hate when it's like this.” Michael reminds himself he's been putting gel in his hair since seventh grade...testing himself. “Then maybe…” Michael's still tired. “The couch?” He looks at Jeremy. “That so scary Jeremy...I didn't know that could happen.”

“As long as you remember, you should be okay. Temporary relapse is common, according to the doctor.” Jeremy reaches out and runs his fingers through Michael's hair, fixing it until it stands up like it always does. “There. All fixed up.” He gives Michael a smile. “To the couch?” He asks. He goes and grabs his wheelchair from the living room and helps Michael into it, maneuvering the chair back into the living room.

“Thank you, sorry.” Michael repeats the way he did when Jeremy took him down the steps earlier that day. Jeremy helps Michael slide onto the couch. Michael stays seated and Jeremy knows what Michael's wants. Jeremy lays in Michael's lap and Michael starts to play with Jeremy's hair. “I'm sorry. All this hell I’m putting us through? People say it'll make us stronger, I just feel awful I'm doing this to us.” Michael sighs. “Flashes of memories good and bad..not being able to walk...the scars..” Michael takes a deep breath. “I said I couldn't explain it but...Jer I just feel like I'm being tortured by my own body. That if my SQUIP could see me now? He'd be laughing his ass off. That I'm held a prisoner and the chains are my legs. That I'll never be released from this hell if I don't fight. And I fight my mind Jer, I do...I'm sorry I've done this to us. I can't imagine how you feel with me like this.” Michael takes Jeremy's hand and kisses the back of it. “I love you buddy, and I couldn't be more sorry.” Michael kisses Jeremy's hand again. He kisses down Jeremy's arm and reaches his neck. “I'm sorry.” Michael lays down letting Jeremy lay on top of him. “You are my world, Jeremy and I'm beyond sorry.”

“I love you too. I don’t care that we’re going through hell, because we’re doing it together.” He lays his head on Michael’s chest, listening to his heartbeat. It’s a lot slower from the last time they did this, in the middle of a hospital room. “Don’t be sorry, this is what I want. Us, together, no matter the cost. I don’t care if I have to wheel you to the altar, I’m going to spend my entire life with you.”

“I'm gonna walk down that fuckin aisle when we get married. Whenever that happens.” Michael smiles at Jeremy. Michael had been planning on proposing weeks ago. He's been keeping the ring in a place Jeremy would never find it, Michael's bean bag pocket. One time Jeremy found nacho cheese in there and refused to put his fingers inside that pocket ever again. However, Michael knows he wants to propose after completing the greatest video game of their life: Apocalypse of the Damned. The next few weeks were pretty standard. A nightmare for Jeremy every couple nights, Michael forgetting who he is for a few minutes, getting to the final level of Apocalypse of the Damned (yet it's still not complete), and all that jazz. Michael had gotten used to being wheeled around in a wheelchair around the house. Chanukah was rapidly approaching and Michael wasn't walking on his own yet but he can walk with Jeremy, and stand on his own. Suddenly as Michael is grabbing a soda from the fridge he takes his headphones off his ears and onto his neck. Jeremy is making sandwiches and humming a familiar song...an odd urge. “Jer...could you maybe...play that song out loud?” He stands up.

Jeremy turns to him and raises his eyebrows. “I mean, if you want. I didn’t think you liked it, though.” He connects his phone to the speakers and turns on the song. The music starts to play, Jeremy humming along. As soon as Whitney Houston starts to sing, Jeremy starts to sing along quietly. “I want to dance.” He says, a small smile on his face. He loves this song, but hates what it had caused- pain and suffering, but it fit his mood. He does want to dance with Michael. And soon. As soon as they finished Apocalypse of the Damned, which they’d been working on since they were thirteen, he’d pull out the ring.

Michael looks at Jeremy as he's leaning against the fridge. Then he grabs Jeremy's hand and starts dancing. It's practically a miracle. The boy who couldn't walk for almost five weeks now is salsa and cha-cha dancing around his kitchen with his boyfriend, just like they used to do. Jeremy isn't the best at dancing, and Michael seems like his normal dancing self. “I wanna dance with somebody! With somebody who loves me!” Michael dips Jeremy and kisses him. The same routine. Slowly, Michael realizes what he's just done. He puts Jeremy on his feet and takes a two steps backward. “What the fuck just happened?” He makes eye contact with Jeremy who is equally as shocked. Michael keeps walking around the kitchen, scared to stop. “Jeremy, I'm walking.” Michael keeps going. He walked himself through the dining room and the living room. He doesn't stop there. He can tell Jeremy is following him. He faces the stairs which he has trouble getting up and nearly falls, but as he gets upstairs, he keeps walking. “Jeremy! Jeremy! I'm not falling over.” Michael's blood is racing, but in a good way. He runs into the bedroom, he can run? He can run. He skips. He goes back to Jeremy and kisses him on the lips. He holds Jeremy by the waist. He's taller than Jeremy. It's everything he's wanted for the past five weeks and more. Because it's real. It's not just a dream. It's real. “I can walk.” Michael keeps his arms around Jeremy waist and kisses him again. Jeremy, still shocked about everything that's just happened; Michael couldn't be happier.

“Mikey! That’s amazing!” Jeremy throws his arms around Michael, kissing him. He almost knocks him over. “Sorry.” He says, not looking very sorry. He’s grinning so widely, he feels like he’s going to burst with happiness. “I told you you’d get it! I’m so proud of you!” Everything’s coming together, and it’s all turning out perfectly. Jeremy can’t help but kiss Michael again.

The boys couldn't seem to stop kissing, it's practically insanity. Michael doesn't really care, he loves the way Jeremy's lips taste. Michael backs into a wall and then stops the kissing. There's only one thing that would possibly make this moment better. “Jer, let’s play the final level.” Michael kisses his boyfriend again. “It'd be cooler than a vintage cassette.” He laughs. “We can beat it, Player two.” He looks into Jeremy's eyes, bright like they've always been. The moment is just so bright that they seem to shine like crystals.

Jeremy grins, taking Michael’s hand and dragging him into the basement. He tosses Michael his controller and boots up the game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the late upload! I'm on vacation and my co-writer does not have the chaptered version of this like I do. I hope you guys don't mind. I had a lot going on. George Salazar is a super nice person you guys. I knew that, but I met him. And Joe Iconis. Guess you guys can guess where I am, not that it matters. I'm headed home. Anyhow... Second last chapter! That happy ending is just around the corner. And don't worry, this work is the first of a series. ~ PlayerOneMell
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please appreciate Player One for editing. ~ PlayerTwoHeere


	11. Completion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Video games and happy endings

The loading screen starts, and Jeremy feels so confident. They’re going to beat the game this time. As soon as they do… He makes sure the ring is still in his bean bag pocket. The level starts. “Find the bad guy, push him aside!”

“Then move on forward with your boyf at your side!” Michael exclaims moving his ring from the pocket of his bean bag into the pocket of his pants making sure Jeremy doesn't notice. “Final level, huh?” Michael's sticking his tongue the way he does when he's working hard on something. “I feel like this isn't as hard as level nine, or maybe we just weren't good gamers back then?” Michael laughs as he kills some zombies with a machine gun. His character drops the gun and picks up a mêlée weapon. “Out of bullets Player 2.” Michael lets his avatar duck and roll. “Get more or keep pushing through? I think we are close enough.”

Jeremy is staring at the screen in intense concentration. “Keep pushing through, don't mind me. There's a reason you're player one and not me.” His HP level is critically low. “Zombie behind you!” Jeremy says, ducking an animated zombie.

“That doesn't mean I make the decisions, Jeremy! We're a team!” Michael shouts. He leans, in real life, like the boys always do. His character hits the hell out of a zombie and flips into some ammo. “Jer! Cross the line Jeremy! You'll pass the level. I'm close enough I can fight off on my own. Just finish!” Michael says with excitement. “Player two! Do it!”

Jeremy, with his last surge of animated stamina, crosses the final line. The screen lights up with final credits to the game, and a rewards screen pops up, congratulating them on their victory. His heart pounds, feeling like it's going to soar out of his chest. “PLAYER ONE, WE DID IT!” They have actually, finally done it. They beat the game. The ring is out of the bean bag’s pocket now, Jeremy's nerves skyrocketing. He took a deep breath and turns to Michael, getting on one knee. He tried looking up at Michael, but they were face to face, both holding ring boxes.

“Jeremy!” Michael exclaims while laughing. He's not sure if he's laughing because his heart is so happy Jeremy is proposing to him or because of how awkward the situation is. It's quite the situation to be in, don't you think? Their hearts so in sync they'd propose at the same time. Almost too good to be true. “Wait, how do we do this? I prepared like a fuckin speech. What do we do? I mean, seriously. I really wanna propose right now.” Michael's rambling a little bit. Both the boys were nervous, that's easy to see.

“I mean, I had something planned too, but you can go first.” Jeremy said, his face red. Although this is awkward, it’s a classic Jeremy and Michael moment. Of course they did this together. To be honest, he wouldn’t have changed this for the world. “After all, you’re Player One.” He grins at Michael. “I’ll stand if you want.”

“Sure.” Michael says smiling even bigger as Jeremy stands up. “All right, well…” Michael thinks for a moment trying to remember what he wanted to say to Jeremy. Getting proposed to kind of throws a person off. “Player 2, my best friend for 18 years, and my boyfriend for the past 5 years, I'd like to change your title again. Another one added to all the sweet things I love to call you. I've known since I was a little boy this is something I've wanted to do, and ever since I realized I was gay, you were the person I wanted to do this to. You've been with me for every moment of my life and I can't see my life without you in it. I look at my life with no regrets. I love every quirk and every fidget and every tear and every day I get to spend with you. From teaching you to ice skate to the time we split earbuds, from playing level nine in the basement to ruining an entire school play, from watching you shake when coming out to me to our first kiss, from our first date to our first apartment, from our house to our first gaming console we bought together, from all the sleepovers and the nights spent awake and the cuddling and the spooning and all the love I feel for you! From this moment right here, in this moment now...to a million more in our future together. If you'll have me, of course. From the scared middle schooler in your bedroom afraid to come out to you to right now, to ask you this question. Jeremiah Heere, my knight in shining armor, will you marry me?”

Jeremy’s tongue is tied. He tries to answer, but nothing comes out. Everything he thought of saying before has slipped his brain, and all he can think about is Michael’s hopeful and slightly scared face. He want to say yes, yes, a million times, but he can’t seem to say it. Instead, he just pulls Michael up into a kiss. When he pulls away, he can finally speak. “Yes, of course. Is that even a question?” He grins shyly. “I can’t compare to what you just said, but I wanted to say something.” He takes a deep breath and kneels, taking Michael’s hand. “Michael George Mell, my Player One, my second half. You’ve been with me my entire life so far, and I don’t even remember what it was like without you. We’ve had so many bad days, but they can never, ever compare to the beautiful, wonderful days we’ve spent together. And I want to make more of those beautiful days with you.”

Michael feels the tears roll down his face. Another perfect moment with the boy of his dreams. His heart is simply swelling in his chest, he's worried he might die with this love he's feeling. “I forgot to say something!” He kneels down to look into Jeremy's eyes. “I love you. I couldn't possibly love you more but everyday I day I fall in love you all over again. More and more everyday. My heart is in your hands and you care for it. I live for the perfect moments like this. Even the less than perfect days are made perfect with the safety you give me. I know you're mid-proposal, but I love you!” Michael wipes away his tears.

Jeremy reaches out and wipes away Michael’s tears, laughing quietly. “I don’t mind. I love you more than you know. If your heart’s in my hands, then mine’s in yours. And every single moment, no matter when or where, is absolutely perfect when I’m with you.” He presses a kiss to Michael’s forehead, smiling against it. “So if you want to have me, my life will always be perfect with you at my side.”

Michael feels chills down his back and his chest vibrates. It's a wonderful feeling, and to think Jeremy caused it. He pulls Jeremy into one of the most tender, most soft, most perfect kiss ever. “Of course I want you! Did I not just propose to you?” He kisses Jeremy again grabbing the front of his shirt tightly. “We are gonna get married Jeremy!” Michael smiles against every kiss he gives Jeremy. Michael kisses Jeremy all over his face ending on his nose. “It's gonna be the gnarliest wedding!” He holds Jeremy's face in his hands. “Because I'll be marrying the boy of my dreams and we'll be in it together.” Michael sees the stars in Jeremy's blue eyes, the flush that decorates his freckles. He's holding his favorite person in his hands. “You're my life. My dream. Everything I am is yours Jeremy.” Michael can feel warmth radiating off of him. He's never felt something this joyous since their first kiss, their first date, yet somehow it's a new feeling all together. “It's a dream come true. The man of my dreams, is going to let me be his forever?” Michael's still crying.

Jeremy leans his head against Michael’s chest and smiles. “It’s a dream come true for both of us, Mikey.” He stands on his tiptoes and returns the favor. “I love you so much.” He grins up at him, then realizes something. “Oh my god, we’re going to have to tell everyone. I can’t say they’ll be surprised.”

“No, they won't.” Michael sighs letting Jeremy into his embrace. “This is going to be us for the rest of our lives. You and me, Jer. Just you and me. I don't need anything else. Just you.”

“All I need is you.” Jeremy responds.

Through good and bad times Michael and Jeremy would always be together, and now they can declare to this their family and friends. They stand in their basement, holding each other in pure happiness. Nothing can touch it, nothing can break it. Michael can walk down the aisle. His mother does end up at the wedding. Everything is flawless. But it's only flawless because they work as a team. The first part, the first level, is over. They're about to start a new two player game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there all of you!! Welcome to the end- we promised a happy ending, and we gave it! So stay tuned after this for more fics- short drabbles from PlayerOne, and another collar fic.... eventually. Thanks for reading, and hope you enjoyed!! <3 ~PlayerTwoHeere
> 
> We have been writing our next dual fic for this series for a really long time, but it's a really long one. My parts come next in he series! Player Two always writes the past, and I write the future from our dual fics. But stay tuned! I have a fic that's not part of this series but in this timeline. Happy ending you guys! Hope you all enjoyed it. We were really hard! :P <3  
> ~ PlayerOneMell

**Author's Note:**

> Hello friends! I'm not the only author of this story, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd appreciate my co-author. She (PlayerTwoHeere) did all the Jeremy paragraphs and I'm (PlayerOneMell) responsible for Michael.  
> I plan on updating this weekly, perhaps more often. No worries friends, there's a happy ending. You just gotta wait for it.


End file.
